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March 2010
March 7th 2010 - I had planned to write last night, but once again, as I sat down at the desk, the tears began to fall. Yesterday. Another "anniversary". Another day to remember that we wish we didn't. Another number. Another day without Jacquie. A year and a half. A "6th" of the month. A Saturday. 546 days. 78 weeks. And yesterday, another benefit for a cancer victim. This time his number is only 2 and a half. He is only 2 and a half years old and is battling stage four liver cancer. Today, a benefit for a 32 year old her lost her life to breast cancer. How I hate this!!!! Our lives are now filled with donations and baskets and benefits to help with treatments and finding a cure. How can we keep letting this happen? Every time I hear of another story, I re-live the moments we heard the words that destroyed our lives. I wonder how many more will hear those words before we no longer have to say them. I wonder when our govvernment will stop wasting money on wars and killing, and start using the money to find a way to save lives. I want to believe that that will happen someday soon, but just like everything else in my life right now, my beliefs have been sorely tested. I fear I have of losing more people I know and love, grows each time I hear of another cancer victim. I wonder who will be next. I wonder who will care. I wonder why.
Yesterday, as I sang and talked to Jacquie, I begged her for the strength to not go back to be. To help me get up and do something, anything. I begged her to help me find a way to get through another day. And she did. I got out of bed, late, but out. And I went to the gym to work. I talked with the children, some of them Jacquie's students. And I found myself hoping that Jacquie would be next to me all day, because I knew I would need her. And she was. She never left my side.
My Darling, I miss you, it doesn't get easier with time. But I try to look for ways that show me you are with me always, just as I was with you. We have the most special of bonds, the bond between us will never be broken. I will hang onto that, knowing that you will not leave me. My Jacquie, I miss you and love you, forever and ever and always, with all my heart and soul. Our love will never die, it will grow stronger. Love, mom
March 3rd 2010 - My Jacquie, I miss you. Everyday there are so many ways that remind us of how much is missing in our lives. It is constant. The songs on the radio, a movie, an expression, "Tink", a child. It is everywhere. And you are not here to share these moments with us. I know I am sad a lot, but I can't help it- if we did not love you so much, it wouldn't hurt so much. But our love for you can't even begin to be measured, and neither can our pain. I just heard of another young woman being diagnosed with cancer, and my heart broke for what lies ahead for her, her family and friends. And again, I ask "Why"?
My Daughter- remember how much you are missed, how many lives you have made a difference in. Remember how many lives will now be better because of you. Remember that we miss you and love you. Remember that we will always BELIEVE. And remember, we will NEVER forget. I love you with all my heart and soul, and every breath I take, forever and ever and always and longer than that. Love, your mom
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