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February 2012 February 1st, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, today is the start of another new month. I don't know where January went. It seems as though we just had New Years. I am wondering what February will bring. Will the foundation continue to move forward? Will TJ and the rest of us be able to bring more attention and awareness to your foundation and your dream? We will find a way to let more people know how very important it is to find a cure for cancer, before many more lives are lost and destroyed? Those questions are in my mind a lot since the meeting last week, and I'm not sure how to proceed from here. I wish you could be here with us, guiding us and telling us what direction YOU would like us to take. We have worked so hard to get this far, but it isn't enough. Not nearly enough. You should be here letting us know what you want for the foundation that bears your name and honors your life. You should be here.
I was reading the "Believe" book again yesterday, thinking as I do so often, about what do I really believe anymore. One quote made me stop and think. It said "Believe in fresh starts and new beginnings". But I realized I don't want a fresh start. Not now anyway. Maybe someday, but not now. For now, I just want to live in the past with my memories of all of us, happy and healthy. I want to keep remembering how it was before we heard those awful words. I want to see you in my mind, smiling and full of fun and life. I want to hear you talking to me and telling me your hopes and dreams and plans. I want to watch you teach and see the complete joy on your face as you address a group of gymnasts in the gym, or students in the classroom. All this and more is where I want to live for now. I don't want new starts and new beginnings unless they include you too. I wish it could be. My new beginning will be when I am with you again.
My Sweet Daughter, I miss you and I love you. I miss you so very much. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. I will love you with all my heart and soul, with every beat of my heart and each breath I take. You live within me always and I will never stop loving you. You are a gift that was given to us, and that gift cannot be taken away. I will always be your mom, and my pride in you and love for you will never end. Come to me in my dreams and whisper to me. I am waiting for you. Love, your mom
January 2012 January 29th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, We had a family foundation meeting tonight, and although everyone wasn't here, I think we were able to get some things accomplished. TJ has been doing a lot of thinking lately. He has many ideas about how to take your foundation to the next level. He is really driven to make it bigger and better- to make your foundation name, a name that will be recognized and honored in more places by more people. He gave us a lot of information on how he would like to go about making these changes and some timelines for them. It is going to take a lot of work to make these changes, but of course, there is no doubt that we will do whatever we have to to reach our goal- your dream. Now, you know me and that change is hard for me. All this talk about change is making me worry that the foundation will somehow lose who we are, but TJ has assured us that we will only be better. I guess I wish we could grow, without having to change how we were when we started out. But I know that we must change to grow, so I will try to adjust. If you can, try to give us signs that you are ok with the changes and that you are still proud of us. You must know that that is all we want, for you look at us with pride. For you to BELIEVE that all we do is for you and our love for you. To keep your foundation growing and moving forward, we will show you that we have not forgotten you and that our love for you will never die. We want you to understand how hard is still is to be without you. After 1239 days, it is still so painful. If we can do this for you, if we can make your foundation grow, and have your name known by more people, than somehow we hope you know that you will be our Jacquie forever. Never Forgotten, Forever Missed and Loved.
My Sweetheart, I miss you and I love you. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that. I love you with all my heart and all my soul. I love you with each beat of my heart and every breath I take. Tonight, I will hold you close to my heart and I will remember how your skin felt to my lips when I used to kiss you goodnight. Come visit me in my dreams, I will be waiting. I love you. Love- your mom, your BFF forever
January 25th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I am finally home from the gym. A very long day. I have been waiting to come home to you and I am so glad to be home so I can be with you. I have work to do, but I really just want to go to sleep. Sleep well, My Daughter, and dream beautiful dreams. I will be with you, next to you, keeping you warm and safe. Come to see me if you can, so that I know you are thinking of me, of all of us. I will dream of you and about the wonderful times we have had. And I will dream of the wonderful times we will have when we are together again.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. The sun that shines, shines for you. And when the sun is out, I try to BELIEVE that you have sent it for us so that we know you love us. Sleep well, My Angel, and I will see you in my dreams. I love you. Love, your mom forever
January 23rd, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I can only say "Thank You". I know YOU were the one that put the whole weekend together. The meet went so very well, better than we could have hoped for. It was such a huge success and I BELIEVE with all my heart that you helped us to make it a success. We had wonderful people at the gym to make everything run smoothly- the staff, parents, and gymnasts, all did their part to have each session run on time and without any problems. There were no injuries, which is always a worry when you have that many gymnasts competing in a short period of time. The awards went off without a hitch- no one had any issues with the scoring or placements. I know the gymnasts had a good time, we heard from many of them and their parents and coaches, that the meet was well run and a pleasure to participate in. Our own gym parents were over the moon at how well it turned out. Many of them said they were a little sad today, because it was over, and they felt a little "let down".
Even the weather cooperated this year, Last year the snowstorm was so bad all weekend and it was a nightmare for everyone. This year, we only had a little light snow and by yesterday, the sun was out and it was warm. I know you sent us the good weather and the great meet. You helped us out so much, Jacquie, and I hope you are as proud of yourself as we are of you. On the downside, you were not here, and I knew it would be hard. I had to find places to go to deal with my tears and let myself grieve without crying in front of others. I know what is expected of me, and I have been trying really hard to meet those expectations. I also know that there will never be a time when you are not on my mind. The reminders will always be there, and the hole in my heart will never be filled, no matter how successful your events are are, or what I am doing. Because when it all comes down to it, you should still be here with us. At times during the meet, I swear I could feel you next to me, and hear your voice telling me that you love me. I'm not sure if it really was you or just my mind desparate to think it was. But whatever the case, I will BELIEVE it was you, holding me together and holding me up. Thank you for being with me always.
My Sweet Jacquie, this past weekend we gave people who never had the pleasure and honor of knowing you, a chance to meet you. I hope these people will think of you and will try to make the world a better place to live the way you did. I hope these people will stop and think before they complain about little things, and realize how lucky they are to be alive and healthy. I hope the parents will remember to cherish every second with their children and to love them with all their hearts. I hope that by being at the gym, they could feel the love we have for you and could feel the love you have for children. I hope the meet gave them more than medals and trophies and scores. I hope it gave them a chance to think about what is important in life and how short life can be. I miss you, My Jacquie, and I love you so much. I love you with all my heart and soul and all that I am. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. I love you raindrops and rainbows, sunshine and moonbeams. I love you more today than yesterday, but not nearly as much as I wll love you tomorrow. You are MY daughter and I am your mom, that will never change. And someday, we will be together again. Until then, I wait for your touch and your voice in my ears. I love you, your mom
January 19th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I sat down to write to you and realized that I am not sure what to say today. I am sad. I am angry. Mostly, I am missing you so much. Your meet starts tomorrow and for the fourth year, you won't be there. We will have hundreds of children at the gym, all excited and nervous about the competition. But you won't be there to talk to them and give reassurance. They won't hear your words of encouragement spoke in your very calming and soothing voice. They won't hear your excited squeals of delight when they hit their routines. They won't hear you tell them to BELIEVE in themselves and what they are capable of accomplishing, or to have fun and make new wonderful memories. The children and their parents won't be able to see the pride you have in each child's efforts, and how you hug them and love them. Your dad and I won't have you next to us to show the world what love is. We will miss you so much.
As I type, I am seeing all the photographs under the glass on this desk. Photos of the four of us together, photos of you and TJ or photos of just you or TJ. They are reminders of wonderful times and incredible memories. When I look at them, I try to remember words that were spoken during those moments when the picutes were snapped. I try to hear all our voices and see the expressions on our faces. I try to cling to the love that was so evident to anyone who was near us. And I am so very thankful that we had those times and those memories. Thank you, Jacquie, for showing us what love for a lifetime is.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul, and I will love you forever and ever and longer than that. I love you the sun and the moon and all the stars in the sky. I love you rainbows and butterflies. I love you, My Daughter and I will be your mom forever. You will never be alone because I will never leave you. Please don't ever leave me, because I can't make it without you. Sleep well, My Angel. I am waiting for you in my dreams. Love, your mom
January 15th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, what do you BELIEVE in? I know what you did BELIEVE in. I know what we talked about and what your heart held. Have you changed your mind about your beliefs? Are they still the same or different? Are they stronger? Does what happened give you reason to doubt what you used to BELIEVE? I wish I knew. I do know that as much as I say I BELIEVE, I still have many times when my saddness, grief, pain, and anger make me think that there is nothing left to BELIEVE in. Today has been one of those days. I am missing you so much and seem unable to find my way back. As we get closer to your meet, and the stress of hosting another event that will honor you is making me feel inadequate and useless again. It is as if I am reliving the time I spent with you when you were sick, and I wasn't able to help you. I feel that way now. I feel as though nothing I do is enough and that once again, I will fail. I am sorry, My Jacquie, I am so sorry.
My Daughter, I miss you and I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul, and with all that I am. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that. When my heart beats, it beats for you. I hear your voice telling me to keep going and I will- for you. I love you, your mom
January 12th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, A mother needs a daughter to teach her to BELIEVE that there is more to life than where we are now. This thought has been circling in my mind for many days now. I think it is because the holidays were so hard without you and I couldn't wait for them to be over. As I wished them away, I tried to understand why I am still here and you are not. I tried to find a way to know assure myself that you are well and happy, and free of the terrrible disease that took you from us. I keep hearing people tell us you are, and sometimes I even say it myself. But in my heart, the mother in me needs to know that for sure. I need to know that you ARE in a "better place", and that you are truly in a new life beyond the one you were taken from. Each time I hear or read about another child being diagnosed with leukemia or cancer, I feel the pain the parents feel and the horrible feeling of helplessness. The feeling that all you can do is stand by and watch, and beg God to let you trade places with your child. If this is all there is to life, why were you and so many others like you, taken before you had a chanbce to live it? I am trying to learn from you, but I so wish you could tell me what is beyond. You don't even know what I would give to hear you whisper to me that you are all right. I will continue to BELIEVE that you will find a way to let know. Until then, I will wonder and continue to grieve.
My Sweet Jacquie, I miss you and I love you. I love you with all my heart and all my soul. I love you now, and I will love you always. I will love you forever and ever and longer than that. You live within my heart and your life continues on within me. I love you and my love for you will never die, it will only grow stronger. And someday, I will be with you again and I will show you just how much I love you. Love, your mom forever
January 8th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, today was a better day because I was able to spend most of the day here at home, with you. I didn't have to go to the gym, or run errands or be with anyone. I just spent most of my day with you. I know that I didn't get much done, and I should have done more work, but it seems I have so little time to spend with you lately, that whenever I can, I just want to sit and talk with you. I hope you don't think that is silly, but talking with you keep me from screaming sometimes. If I can talk with you, I can pretend you are next to me- listening and then talking to me. I can pretend that you and I are having one of our gossip talks, or maybe just one of our serious life talks. Whatever we talk about, I know that in my mind I can hear you and Imagine what you are saying to me. I need to keep hearing you talk to me, because the silence would be too much for me to bear. And I do BELIEVE that someday again, you will find a way to whisper "mom" to me like you did once before. Until then, we will talk and I will hear you in my heart.
My Sweet Little Girl, I miss you. I am grateful that you are my daughter, I am grateful that we were chosen to be your parents and I am grateful for all the love you gave me. I just can't understand why you had to be taken from us. It makes be wonder what is ahead for the rest of my life. Whatever the future brings, one thing is for certain and will NEVER change. I love you with all my heart and all my soul. I love you; more today than yesterday, but not nearly as much as I will love you tomorrow. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. And your love will keep me strong and give me courage when my strength and courage fail me. I love you, and I am waiting until we are together again. Until then, please don't leave me- I can't do this without you. Love, your mom forever
January 5th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I know that I always talk to you about how wonderful your family and friends are. I let you know how much they love you and miss you. I share with you, all the things they do for you and your foundation. Today I want to share with you a poem written by Jes. As you know, she is in Calf., and working very hard. We are all so proud of her and we know you are too. She wrote this poem for you and sent it to me. It says what is in her heart and what you mean to her. I know you will love it.
Jax
In my dreams I see your face
In my mind I hear your voice
Your uplifting words
Your invigorating spirit
I wish my dreams to be reality
I wish my mind spoke clearer
I ache for your words
I feel your spirit within me
Your laughter exhilarates mine
Your smile warms my heart
Your strength motivates me
Your inner beauty always shines
Wisdom true of a believer
I believe someday
One day
You will grace my smile
I believe you are with me
Next to me
Pushing me to strive for excellence
Encouraging me to find my recovery
I thank you and love you every second
Wish you were here
Believing you are forever
You are with us all in everything we do and say. Your life is our life now, and it always will be. You have taught us so much, and you continue to teach us everyday. We try to learn your lessons and make you proud. You are who we wish to be.
My Sweet Little Girl, I love you and miss you so much. Your songs come on the radio and I sing to them, and I know you are singing with me. I know you are telling me I sing terribly, but we sing together anyway. I hear your voice in my mind, I feel your song in my heart. I wish I could feel you in my arms. I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that. I will lover you with all my heart and all my soul, with all that I am and all that I every will be. You live in my heart where you keep me comforted and warm. I hold you tight against me, and touch your soft hair and your smooth skin, and I remember how it feels to touch you. I WILL hold you again. I love you, your mom
January 2nd, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I hope you had a huge party in heaven for New Years Eve. I would like to BELIEVE that you did, and knowing you, you were in charge of it. I remember when you and Bina were the "party plannners" for your sorority and how much fun you had planning all the activities. I remember going down to see you at school and taking you shopping to buy party supplies and decorations, and yes- even some "beverages". Oh Jacquie, I wish you knew how much that time spent with you meant to me. I know I would tell you thank you for inviting me to go with you, and how much fun I had with you, but I wonder if you ever knew how lucky I felt that you even wanted to spend time with your mom. I wish we could still be doing that. I wish we could be planning events and parties together for your foundation and the gym, and a party for today. Today is your dad's birthday, and I know what he wishes. He would give anything to be with you today. Today, he looked through the birthday gifts and cards that you and TJ had given him in the past, and I know how very happy it made him to have those things from you. But I also know how sad he was that you weren't here with him to remember those very special times. And how much he wishes that there would have been many more times together. I gave dad a card from you, and I told him how very much you love him, and what a wonderful dad he is. I know you would want him to know that you miss him and love him so much, and that you are the luckiest girl in the world because he is YOUR dad. I know you want him to know that even though you aren't here in person, that you are always with him. I told him he will forever be your dad.
My darling, I love you and I miss you. I love you more today than yesterday, but never as much as I will love you tomorrow. I love you with all my heart and soul, forever and ever and always. Stay with me, be by my side and try to let me know you are close. I look for signs that you are near, and sometimes I think I just want to beg you to show me that you haven't left me. I need you. Love, your mom
December 30th, 2011 - Dearest Jacquie, I wonder if you know how often I whisper in my heart, God please let Jacquie be happy and be without pain. Please let her be safe and comforted. Please let her know that I would be there with her if I could to wrap my arms around her and hug her and dry her tears. Then the question comes back to me. If there was a God, why are you gone from us. I still have such a hard time, not being angry at a "God" who would take you, and so many others, from those who love and cherish them. It has been 1210 days and the questions remain unanswered. And I know that if there were a million more days, they would remain that way. Tomorrow is New Years Eve, and I am thinking back on your last New Years Eve. How excited you were to be able to be with your friends. How worried I was to have you out of my sight for a little while. And how sure we were that you would have many more New Years Eves to celebrate. I am glad the "holidays " are almost over. I am so lonely without you here to "celebrate" them with us. I saw many stars out last night, and I wished on all of them. I wished you peace and happiness. I wished you to know how much we miss you and love you. And my most importanat wish for you was that you would know that you will never be forgotten, your life here with us made us who we all are today. Anything we accomplish in your name is in your honor, and our lives are for you now.
My Jacquie, I miss you and love you so much. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that. I will love you with all my heart and all my soul and with every breath I take. Each beat of my heart beats for you. I can see your smile and her your voice and laughter. And on the most difficult days, I try to remember how it felt to have your arms around me, hugging me tight. I try to feel it when you snuggled your head against my neck and blew "rasberrries". And I try to not be so sad, because I was given the honor of being your mother. I love you, My Jacquie. Love, mom
December 27th, 2011 - My Dear Sweet Jacquie, I wrote these words many different ways on paper and kept changing them, not quite ready to put them in print. I am sorry. I just couldn't seem to finish what I needed to say to you. TJ's letter to you is beautiful. Your brother misses you so much and I wish more than anything you could be here with him, next to him as he works so hard for you. I wish I could make things easier for him. It breaks my heart that he feels he is "an only child now. I know how he struggles each and every day to find a way to help your dad and I through life without you. I wish he didn't feel like that was his "obligation". He has never said that to us but I know he feels as though he has to try to be there for us. I want him to have his own life, but I can't let him go, not all the way. Part of me knows I shouldn't cling to him, but that part of me is not "normal". If it was, I would know better.
Christmas was hard, again, as it has been since you were taken from us. I agree with TJ. I would like to sleep through it all, Dec 24 through Jan 1. Then I could pretend that the holidays never ahppened without you. But that wouldn't be fair- not to TJ and not to your dad. So, we had our quiet time without you. We opened your gifts for you. I hope you like the new TinkerBell precious moment statues and music boxes. I also hope you like the Snowbabies TinkerBell statue. You have so many now that we are going to have to put up some shelves to hold them all. You also recieved many new TinkerBell and Believe ornaments, signs and decorations from your family and friends. Jacquie, you are missed and loved dearly by so many. Your foundation recieved many donations as well. I know that this year will be your year for a new block at Roswell. We are making that our goal and we will make it happen for you.
My Sweet Daughter, I hope your Christmas in heaven was all it should be for you. I wish you could be here for hugs and kisses, I have so many to give you. Please try to give me a sign that you are close, that you have not left us. Let us know that we are still with you and that you know how much we love you and miss you. Let us know that you are no longer in pain and that you are safe. It is so hard not to know these things. I miss you and I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that. I will love you with each breath I take and every beat of my heart. I will love you untill we are together again, and then I will love you even more. Merry Christmas, My Jacquie, love- your mom forever
December 25th, 2011 - Dear Jax, its Christmas today. Another one without you. I used to look forward to Chistmas, it was always so exciting, so fun and so...."together". Now I don't know what to do. I feel so lost, so disappointed, so mad, so upset and even so alone. What was once a day filled with laughter and smiles is now a day that we almost wish would never come. I think some of us would be okay with going to sleep on December 24th and waking up on December 26th.
I think back to all the holidays we spent together as kids and how much fun we used to have. I wonder, if you were still here what kind of fun would we be having now? What kind of jokes would we be telling, what kind of trouble would we be getting into? I know it might seem kind of silly to some people to constantly think about all of that. But those memories are all I have left now and those hopes will never be realized.
There isnt many things in life I truly hate, many I dislike, but rarely hate. However, I absolutely hate that you will never get to read your cards. I hate that your gifts and presents wont be opened. And I hate that other families can be together on the holidays, take vacations together and laugh together. And we cant do any of that. I hate that I will never be an uncle, and have a niece and nephew to spoil. I hate that you will never have your own house, or your own Christmas tree or your own family. And I hate being an only child now.
Each and every day has been a struggle since you have been gone. Some days worse than others, and I wonder how have we come this far? How in the world is it that we have managed to live 3 years without you? I know we have to keep going, keep working and keep reaching towards your dream. I promise I will do that for you and I will try harder and harder each day to do everything I think you would want me to. There are a lot of people down here that miss you Jax. But I know I need to be strong, and I need to realize what is best for you. I heard once a ship is safe in a harbor, but thats not what ships are built for. I'm sure angel's are safe down here on earth, but angel's were made to be in heaven and to watch over the rest of us.
I hope that you had a good Christmas today and I hope you are doing okay. I miss you very much and I love you even more. Please stay close and remind us that you are still around. I will cherish the memories I have of the Christmas' we have spent toegther and hold them close to my heart. Until we are together again, Love always and forever your big brother.
December 22nd, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, Do you remember how we used to say that sometimes the days would be better if we could just stay in bed until the next morning? Well, today was one of those days. And now I am home, with a lot of work to do and I am thinking that maybe I should have not gotten up today. I just want to go to sleep and think of you. I want to dream of you and pretend that things are the way they used to be. I want to forget that you are gone and that we are without you. I want to pretend that tomorrow morning will be better because I will wake up and you will be telling me all your plans for the day. I want my daughter back.
My Jacquie, I miss you so much and I wish we didn't have to have the "holiday season" without you. I love you so very much and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. Everyday that goes by without you is one day closer to being with you again. I love you, love- mom
December 19th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, We missed you yesterday. The family Christmas party at Bree's was yesterday. It was hard, again. So many wonderful memories of Christmas parties at the clubhouse with you and your cousins, aunts and uncles and Bree. So many sounds of your laughter and singing. So many images of you, in my mind,- dancing and just being you. Where did the time go? Where did the future go? When did the music stop? Why were you taken from us? Santa came again. The only one who sat on his lap this year was Olivia. Remember all the years you and TJ and your cousins took turns sitting on his lap and telling him what you wanted for Christmas? Remember when you got older and you still did it, just because it made us happy and made us laugh? Why did that have to stop? I am waiting for the holidays to be over. They will be soon.
My Angel Above, I miss you and I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul, and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that. I sang to you again this morning, I hope you sang with me. I sang our two songs and then I sang "You Are My Sunshine". I need to hear your voice again, and when I sing to you, I imagine that I can hear you. Can you hear me? Love forever and ever, your mom forever and ever
December 17th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, today was the gymnasic team Christmas party at the gym. But you weren't there, not really. So many children, so much excitment, so much joy and happiness for all of them. But you were missing. Again. As always. There are so very many holes in my life without you. So many times when I look for you and you aren't there. So many times I start to call out your name, only to remember that you won't be able to answer me. So many memories left to make. My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you. I love you more today than yesterday, but not nearly as much as I will love you tomorrow.
I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. I will love you with all my heart and soul. I will love you with all that I am now, and all that I will ever be. I will love you for the gift you are to me. Love, your mom
December 14th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, today dad and I went to pick out our Christmas tree. I didn't want to go but dad asked me to, so we went to Baddings. Just walking in there made me think of so many memories of you and Jamie at Roswell. It seems hard to believe that that nightmare really happened and that every day Jamie's family lives with the same grief that we and too many others live with. Dad and I had a hard time deciding on which tree to get, and I started to cry because I was waiting for you to tell us which one you liked. But you couldn't, could you. So, we finally decided on one, and I hope you like it. I am not sure when we will have the time to decorate it, but when we do, it will adorned with beautiful Tinkerbell, and Believe ornaments. It will also have all your ornaments we have been collecting for you since before you were born. They are the ornaments we would have given you when you someday married and had your own tree to decorate with your husband and your children. What do I do with your ornaments now? Who will put them on a tree and remember where each one came from, when your dad and I are no longer here? WHY aren't you here to cherish them as I do?
My Sweet Jacquie, I miss you and I love you. I know you hear me say this to you all the time, but I do love you so much. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. The daylight comes and I wait for nighttime. Our time. The rain makes the days longer and harder and makes me that much sadder without you. I am waiting to see you in my dreams again, and to know you are happy. I will wait as long as you need me to. Stay by me and let me know I am not alone. I love you, My Jacquie. Love, you mom forever
December 9th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, Tonight we went down to Roswell. For YOU! Tonight we gave Dr. Wang and Dr. Nowak another $25,000.00 for YOUR research fund. Tonight, your family and friends honored you and your life, again. And as always, it was a very sad time, but a very proud time. I hate going back down there. Every time I have to walk through those doors, I relive the night we rushed you there, not knowing anything, only knowing that our lives were about to change forever. When I go back now, I go back hoping and wishing and praying that all we, and others like us, are doing to find a cure, will mean that someday no other family has to make that walk through those doors. That someday, no other family has to walk out those doors without a loved one. So tonight, Dr. Wang gave us an update on the research and how things are moving along. And progress is being made. Of course, the progress will never be fast enough but it will make a difference. The events we, and others hold for you, are making sure that the money will be available when needed, and they are hoping to be able to publish their findings this spring. When that happens, they will be able to apply for the "real grants", the larger amounts of money availible for research. Our money is just the "seed money" that is needed to get started, we hope the grants will continue what we have begun. You know, My Jacquie, you are amazing. All you have done and continue to do is so extraordinary. How could someone so amazing been taken from us? Why? 1190 days and still I ask WHY?
My Sweet Girl, I miss you. I miss you so much that sometimes I think my heart caannot stand the pain anymore. Little reminders and big reminders. All around and all the time. You are everywhere, but you are not here. I love you. I will always love you. I will love you forever ever and always, and longer than that. I love you with all my heart and all my soul. I love you with each breath I take and every beat of my heart. You are My daughter and I still have two beautiful and wonderful children. I don't ever let people forget you. I always tell anyone who asks how many children I have, that I have two wonderful gifts from heaven, And I will never let anyone forget that I AM YOUR MOM, now and forever. I love you, Sweetheart, love- mom
December 5th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I miss you. I wish you were here. Today is our anniversary. Dad and I have been married for 31 years. Wow. That's a long time. I spent a lot of the day thinking back to all the wishes, hopes, and dreams we had. We were young and so sure that someday, the world would be ours. We knew what we wanted and even knew how we thought we would go about getting it. Our dreams were big, but not out of reach. And our wishes were many, but not greedy. But most of all, we hoped we would have a family. We didn't care- boys, girls or a combination, whatever gifts we were give, would be ours to love forever. And then we were give you and TJ. And our biggest, most important dream had come true. I couldn't have asked for a better father for my children. I know you and TJ realize how blessed you were to have him as your dad. He has worked so hard to provide for all of us, and to give us a wonderful life. I think how very unfair it is that you were taken from us and are not here continue sharing that life. I know that your dad and I loved you and TJ from the second we knew I was pregnant. And our love only grew stronger. I BELIEVE that you and TJ are the reason that your dad and I have been able to survive all the ups and downs in our marriage. I BELIEVE that our love for each grew as our love for you and TJ grew. I BELIEVE that our marriage was more than we ever thought it could be, because of our children. You and TJ helped to make us who we are today. Thank you for teaching us how to love.
My Jacquie, again as always, I miss you and love you. The holidays are here and I want them gone. It will be even harder this year, because it will be the first time that both our children will be gone from the house on Christmas morning. I know I am sad about that, but I also know how excited TJ is about being in his new home for his first Christmas. I am happy for him and so proud. And where would you be now? In your own home? Married? With child? With children? I will never know.
I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. The rain makes me sad, I think the angels are crying for you. I am crying for you and I am waiting to hold you again. Come to me and let me know I am not alone. I love you Jacquie. Love, mom
December 1st, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I know you were with us last night. It was sad, it was heartbreaking, and yet I know you were there to comfort us. It is hard to believe that it has been a year since Bianca was taken from us, and harder still to believe that the proof to punish the person who took her life, is still not there. The candlelight ceremony at the house she died in was a very special tribute to her very short life. It was hard for dad and I because it was so like the events we have for you. They are all a tribute to you and your life. There were so many pictures, and like you, she was smiling in all of them except the ones where she was sleeping. She loved to dance and loved to sing. Those who knew her were privileged share in her joy for living. Everyone there who knew her, had wonderful and fun memories of the vibrant little girl with the infectious smile and sparlke in her eyes. I feel so bad for her dad and her family, because for them, they said they won't be able to start to heal until the guilty person is held accountable. I can't imagine how that must feel. I do know that after talking with her dad, his pain, like ours, is a constant campanion. He says his days are filled just "getting through". I wish I could have told him that it "gets easier", but I can't even say that. So, for now, we told him we are here for him if he needs anything, and that we do understand the pain of having that empty chair.
My Jacquie, the next few weeks will be so much harder without you. Yes, I know we have to "celebrate" the "holidays", but if I had a choice, I would just move into January and leave the pain of December behind. I already bought your Christmas gifts, but don't peak, I want them to be a surprise. I miss you and I love you. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that. I will love you with all my heart and all my soul. I will love you all the stars in they sky and all the rainbows on the horizon. Stay with me, don't leave me. Be my strength and my courage, my rock. Be for me, what I can't be without you. Love, mom
November 29th, 2011 - Dear Sweetheart, last week I had the TV on in the early morning, and the "Today Show" was on. They were doing a piece about a group of photographers who donated their time and equipment to photogragh our military men and women who were either deploying or returning from deployment. It was very moving and I thought "what a wonderful thing to do for all those who fight to keep us free". I was impressed with the idea of people giving without expecting anything in return, just like you! The families they interviewed said how much the photos meant to them and how great it was to have those memories close to their hearts. Near the end of the story, there was a brief moment when I swear I saw your "We Believe " bracelet on someone's wrist. It happened so fast that by the time I jumped up to get a closer look, the picture was over. I have been missing you so very much lately, so I thought I had probably just imagined it because I wanted to see you. I thought about it a number of times over the next few days, but didn't say anything to anyone, thinking they would think I've finally lost it all the way.
Well, yesterday, Amanda Parisi (maiden name), sent an email to the foundation. She wanted to let us know that she was sending us an attachment that would show your bracelet on the "Today Show"!!!!!!!! She said the two people holding hands were her and her husband. He had just returned from his deployment, and the photo was taken by one of these special photographers. And there it is- your bracelet so beautiful and purple, on her wrist as she holds hands with her husband. It is an awesome sight. It is strong and powerful and speaks of the love between the two of them and her love for you. It is truly an incredible photo, and tribute to you. I cried when I saw it and wasn't sure if I had imagined it, now I cry each time I watch the clip she sent us. It is wonderful to see. Thank you, Amanda, for that very special gift, not only to Jacquie, but to Torey, TJ, and myself as well. You have given us a wonderful memory and we will cherish it always. I am going to try to get a photo of it so I can have it framed and put on display in Jacquie's case at the gym school. I want everyone to see it.
To You, My Daughter, thank you. I am sure that somehow you helped that whole process along. What are the chances that out of all the service men and women who would be having their pictures taken, one of them who ended up on TV, would be a friend of yours, wearing your bracelet. Maybe it is just wishful thinking on my part, but I want to BELIEVE that you sent that gift our way.
Remember, My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. I love you more today than yesterday, and not nearly as much as I will love you tomorrow. I am here, you are there and I am waiting until we are together again. I am waiting to hold you, and hug you, and kiss you. I am waiting for the day when I never have to let you go. Love, your mom
November 27th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, so sad today, I miss you. Love mom
November 25th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, we missed you so much yesterday. As it has been since you were taken from us, and since it will always be until we are together again, your chair at our table was empty. And we missed you. I made dinner for your dad, TJ and me, and we had a quite meal together, just the 4 of us. We know you were there, because we know you wouldn't leave us alone, especially on a holiday. I spent a good part of the day trying to remember to be thankful and not angry. I am thankful that you showed us all the better side of life while you were with us. You showed us how to give, without expecting to recieve in return. You showed us that sometimes a smile means more than a hundred words. You showed us that a word of praise is just as easy to say as a word of hurt. You showed us that sharing gives a person a reason to smile inside as well as outside. You showed us that the world needs teachers who care about the children, not just a paycheck. You showed us that children can often be the teachers, and adults, the students. You showed us that life is sometimes unfairly short, and that we must be grateful for each we are given. I am so thankful for all this that you taught us, and so much more. But more than anything, I am thankful for you, My Daughter. And although I get depressed and sad and angry, I try to never forget the lessons you showed us by your example. And I try to remember that someday, we will be together again. And then your chair will not be empty anymore.
My Sweet Jacquie, I miss you and I love you. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. I will love you with all my heart and soul, and all that I am, or will ever be. I love you with every breath I take and each beat of my heart. You are of me, and I of you, and nothing will ever change that. I am waiting for you and I know you will not leave me. My strength comes from you, and any courage I have, I learned from you. Love, your mom
November 23rd, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I had to get up early this morning to take Fozi to the vet. She has a problem with her kidneys and the doctor needs to keep her for a while. Please take care of her. You picked her out of the litter 14 years ago, and she is still your kitty. I have tried to take good care of her for you, but she is getting a little old. So if you can, please watch over her. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, but I really don't want to think about another holiday without you. So, I will just send wishes to anyone who still reads this, to have avery Happy Thanksgiving. Please remember to be thankful for your family and friends and all the wonderful memories that you have. Be thankful for your health. Be thankful that you have loved one to celebrate this holiday with. And if you can, be thankful that you knew My Jacquie, and that she was a part of your life. Because I HAVE to BELIEVE that in some way, even if only a small way, knowing Jacquie made your life just a little bit better. And that if she were here, she would want us the be thankful for the lives we have. I wish you were here, My Jacquie.
My Sweet Daughter, I miss you and I love you. I will be forever thankful that you were given to us. You and TJ are the most precious of gifts we could ever recieve, we know that with all of our hearts. I am thankful for the time you spent with me, and the memories we made. I am thankful that you shared so much with me, so much more than many moms are ever given the honor to share with their daughters. I am thankful for the things you let me teach you and for the things you taught me. I am thankful that you loved me, no matter what. I am thankful that you showed me how to be a mom and were patient with me when I made mistakes. I am thankful that you and TJ love me thissssssssssssssssssss much. I know you love me, but "I love you more". Love, mom
November 20th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, as you saw, the past couple days were busy. I wish you had been with us, we all missed you so much. The Vera Bradley Party on Friday night went very well. So many of your family and friends came, as they always do. It was nice to see some of the people we don't have a chance to see very often, but who manage to come to support your events and your foundation, to support YOU! I wish you were here. The new winter patterns are so pretty and I know that at least two of them would have caught your eye. I found myself wondering why I couldn't buy things for you. I wondered why you couldn't be there to greet your guests, and visit with so many of the people who helped make your most special memories. I wondered why you weren't there to make more memories. Debbie and her staff did an outstanding job, as they always do, hosting the party. We are grateful to them for undertaking this event each year, and are thankful that you are still in their lives.
The Buffalo Bills Party at the gym was another success this weekend. WE had about 25 people there and I know everyone had a great time. Once again, the most important person that was missing was you. You would have made the party so complete. Your friends who spent time there with you when you were growing up had wonderful memories to share with us, and we laughed at some of the funny stories. The Bills were terrible, but we didn't much care. We were there for YOU and that is all that mattered. We are planning to do a Sabres Party at the gym in late Feb., or early March, because your friends want to do it again, but this time they want a sleepover. Remember the sleepovers you and TJ used to have there? I wish you were here. It continues to be more clear to us that you have touched many, many lives. And more than that, you have given so many some wonderful memories that they will carry with them all their lives. Some may even share those memories with their families and friends. They will talk of the incredible girl, and woman, they know who gave so much to all of us. The Jacquie who made us laugh and smile, and who taught us strength and courage and dignity. I hope that when people speak of you, they smile, and they remember your smile. I hope they see the light that your life brings to all who know you. I wish you were here.
My Sweet Little Girl, I miss you. I love you. I grieve for you. I need you. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. You are my heart and it beats for you. You are my sunshine and my rainbows. I see you in all I do and all that I am. I wish you were here so I could hold you again, and kiss you and laugh with you. I wish. Love, your mom
November 17th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, Day 1164. And again I ask why? I think about all I wanted for you and all you dreamed of for yourself and I wonder why it would not be. You, Jacqueline Elisabeth Hirsch, had so much potential. You had powers you never even dreamed of. I know there were times when you thought there were things you couldn't do or accomplish, but there were never any limitations in what you could achieve. And you made yourself try, even if you weren't quite sure of the outcome, and you proved to yourself that you could accomplish anything. You should have had a lifetime of accomplishing and proving there are no limits. Your legacy now, is doing that for you. Your name, your story and your life are making it possible for your accomplishments to continue. We are trying to draw from you strength and courage and make sure that your life with no limitations continues. We really are trying, but sometimes it is hard without you. Friday is your Vera Bradley Party, Sunday is your Buffalo Bills Day At The Gym Party. I hope we make you proud.
My Sweet Sweet Daughter, again I will say how much I miss you. Again I will tell you that I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. Again I will tell you that I look for you in everything I do and I wait for you to give me a sign that you are with me. Please don't leave me alone. Love, your mom November 13th, 2011 - Dear Seet Jacquie, things haven't been easy lately. I couldn't even begin to tell you how much I have been thinking of you , how oftren you are on my mind. How often I see your face or hear your laugh. And I look for you, but you aren't here. It is still so hard for me, being so far away from you. I want so very much to be with you, to look at you, to talk to you- to hold in my arms. I want to tell you that I will be with you again, that everything will someday be alright. But I don't know when that will be, and until then, my heart will stay broken. I need you to keep reminding me that I have a dream to make come true for you. I need you to remind me that I have to keep going. I need you.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you so much. Your dream is so important to me, to all of us. And because of that, I get up each morning with a purpose. Without that, I don't know what I would do now. I thought life was so unfair and hard while you were sick, but now it is worse because you aren't here anymore. I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that with all my heart and soul. Can you send me a rainbow? I love you, mom
November 10th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, today was a big day for your dad and brother. Dad was inducted into the Williamsville School District's Hall of Fame. He was one of only 7 selected from the 3 Williamsville High Schools. There were 3 from North, and 2 each, from South and East. There was a breakfast at the Westwood Country Club in the morning, and then he went to give his speech, with the other two inductees, at a student assembly at North. It is a huge honor and we are all very proud of him. I know you are too. Dad bought an exta seat at our table for you. I know you were there with us, because you would want dad to know that you love him and are proud of him. While your dad was at the assembly at North, we went down to the Buffalo Convention Center to TJ's big day- he was named one of Buffalo First Magazines "Forty Under Forty". He was selected as one of the 40 out of about 125 nominated, to be honored as one of Buffalo's up and coming business people under 40 years old. Aunt Christine nominated him and the selection committee agreed that he was definately a winner!! They had a luncheon and then inductees were brought up on stage and were given an award. One of the speakers gave a short speech about his accomplishments, it was great! I wish you could have been next to us, I wish you could have been there to share their honors. I wish.........
My Jacquie, I know you caan se what is going on here, and how hard things have become. I know you think I am not trying hard enough to keep going, but I am. It's just that we keep taking hits and there is no relief. The days get worse and I spend the nights wondering what will go wrong tomorrow. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I do. The time here is hard and I just keep thinking that there has to be a better place. I miss you, you can't even know how much I miss you. And I love you more than life itself. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. I love you with all my heart and all my soul. I will wait to be with you, and someday we will al be together again, the way it was meant to be. I love you. Love, your mom
November 6th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, Did you see it Jacquie???? Did you see the Dancers Give Back Event yesterday??? Did you see how absolutely incredible it was??? It was like you- amazing. This is the fourth year and it had to be moved to a bigger school this year because the school that it had been in previously was too small now! May Alice, Ali, and A.J. did a wonderful job. We are in awe of what they organized and set up, and how everything ran so well. The parents who helped, the dancers who danced and all the people who donated, worked so hard to make it a success. The guest dancer, Ida, came from New York City to help raise money for YOUR foundation. She just recently lost a friend to leukemia and was so gald to be able to help us in our quest to find a cure. There were hundreds and hundreds of people there, and they all came to support YOU. Your SDT sisters came from Geneseo to be there and support you too, and I had the chance to meet them. Oh My Jacquie, you would love them. They are so like you in many ways, and I felt so honored to meet them. It was as though I was back at the sorority house wtih you and meeting your "sisters" for the first time. They are all wonderful women, and they offered to help us with the Tinker Ball this year. Imagine, your "sisters" all dressed up in gowns and helping us. How great that will be. Ali gave her speech and Jacquie, I BEIEVE you must have been so proud of her. Your Ali, speaking in front of all those people and sharing your story. She spoke from her heart and she honored you with her words. She did so well and the slide show was wonderful. TJ also spoke briefly, to give our thanks to everyone. He is one very fine speaker. Everytime I hear him address a group, I am so proud of him. And anyone who hears him speak can hear and feel his love for you. He, too, speaks from his heart and his words tell a story of love for his sister and the saddness he lives with each day. His words bring tears to eyes, and a determination to find a cure. The whole day was such a success and I know how proud you are of Ali and everyone who made it so. There was certainly a little Angel looking out for you when she put Ali in you life.
My Jacquie, day 1156 and the pain lonliness and pain is still here. I know you try to give me little signs that you are with me, but I can never get enough. I wait for you. I talk to you. I sing to you. I cry for you. And I look for any little thing that might be you telling me you are near. Don't leave me. I miss you. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. You are the beating of my heart and the breaths that I take. You are My Daughter, now and forever. And we are four, now and forever. Someday, we will be four together again. I am wating. Love, mom
November 2nd, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, Tonight was girls gymnastic sectional, and once again, your "Jacquie Hirsch Tink Award" was given out. The award goes to one gymnast on each of the 13 high school teams who has your amazing spirit. The program has an explanation in it regarding why the award is given, for those who did not have chance to have you in their lives, Part of it says "We lost an outstanding Section 6 gymnast who had the unbelievable spirit, enthusiasm for life, encouragement for others and a caring and kind attitude for all. Jacquie brought this spirit to the gym, school, work, and anyone who happened to step into her pathway." For those who knew you, they know this is only a small part of what you gave to our world. For those who never had the chance, it is sad that they will not have the honor and joy of knowing how much more there is to that staement. I think of your time on the high school team, and all the fun and drama that went with it. What a wild and crazy time your high school years were. I never knew what your arrival home from school would bring. What I did know, was that no matter how good or not so good your day was, at some point shortly after you came home, we would be talking and laughing and sharing. High school gymnastics for you was fun and you enjoyed being part of your team. Yes, I know that there were problems and issues. But we both know that whenever you have more that two high school girls together, there is bound to be drama! So, we talked and laughed and sometimes you cried, but eventually you moved on to the next day, ready to deal with whatever it held. We were so proud of you. Yes, My Jacquie- you are amazing.
My Sweetheart, I miss you. I love you. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. My love for you is unconditional, and will never die. It will grow with each day and you will always feel my love, no matter where we are. And someday, I will once again be able to show you just how much I love you and how much I have missed holding you. Someday. Love, your mom
October 31st, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, it is Halloween today. I wonder what you are doing? Me, I am remembering all the Halloweens we had together. I am remembering you and TJ and the different costumes you wore. I am remembering all the fun we had going out to get candy and treats, and then coming back to the house to sort through it all. I am remembering your dad teeling you both that he needed to "check" the candy bars to make sure they were ok, by tasting them! I can hear you both saying how he wanted all the good ones. I am remembering how as you both got older, the costumes became more grown up and that I felt a little sad that you weren't children anymore. I missed the funny little characters you had been. Tonight, the children will come to the door in their costumes and I will be wishing more than anything that you would be answering it with me, and exclaiming delight over how cute they all look. And again, I will be asking "why Jacquie".
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you. I love you the sun and the moon and all the stars in the sky. I love you the wind and the rain and the beautiful rainbows they make. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. I love you with each beat of my heart and every breath I take. You dressed as a Princess for more than one Halloween, but you always were, and always will be, a Princess to me. Love, your mom
PS: Please say a prayer for the Millers, they need all the love and hope we can give them.
October 29th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I think it is time for me to say thank you to you again. Thank you for all the feelings you shared with me. Thank you for all the stories you told me- about how your day went, your friends and your dreams. Thank you for all the times YOU were there for ME, to help me sort out my thoughts and confusions. Thank you for helping me to know myself better. Thank you for all the times you spent your free time with me doing special things and making wonderful memories, when you could have been hanging out with your friends. Thank you for all the times you were my best friend- the best friend a mother could have, her daughter. And thank you for all the times you told me I was your best friend. Thank you for all the times you made me feel like a somebody. Thank you for all the times you BELIEVED in me and had faith in my dreams. Thank you for all the giving you gave me, the hugs and kisses and for the love you gave without end.
My Jacquie, you know I miss you, but do you know how much? You know I love you, but do you know that my love grows each minute of each day? Do you know that Someday we we all be together again, the way it is supposed to be? We will. Until, know that I love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. You are My Jacquie, My Daughter, no matter that we are apart right now. I am your mom, and will be forever. I am waiting for you in my dreams. Love, mom
October 25th, 2011 - Dear Sweetheart, I seem to be more into poems than I used to be, maybe because when I read poems now, they mean more because we are living them. Before you became ill, I would read a poem or a story, and try to understand the reason behind it but it was hard. I could not seem to feel what the person who wrote it was feeling. Now, unfortunately, I can. So words have much different meaning now and because of that, I pay more attention to them. I saw this poem yesterday, and although some of it doesn't feel right, some of the words are words that my heart feels so I want to write and say them to you. The name of the poem is "Wings of an Angel", and there was no author listed. I may have written this to you before, but I don't remember, so here it is, My Jacquie:
You have a Guardian Angel
Who watches over you,
Everywhere you go,
And everything you do.
This gentle slent helper
Is there to be your guide,
To shelter and protect you,
And walk right by your side.
Your Angel will always help you,
Whenever things go wrong.
Like glorious wings that guide your feet,
As life's path you walk along.
Feel this calming presence,
Be enfolded by its love.
And let your life be guided,
By a power from above.
I try to always remember that you are my Guardian Angel, and that you are always with me. Sometimes, when things get to be too much, and I feel like giving up, I talk to you or sing to you, and you find a way to let me know that I can get through whatever problems are. I do BELIEVE in Guardian Angels, more now than ever. I BELIEVE this because if you weren't still with me, I don't know where I would be now. You are not only MY Guardian Angel, but so many others as well. You must be very busy keeping track of all of us, and finding a way to help us all. Then again, you have always been like that- helping family, friends and even strangers. So none of us should be surprised that you have not left us alone to face our fears and problems. We should not be surprised that you find a way to send us strength and couraga when we need it most. You are amazing and we all know it.
My Daughter, we have rainy and cold weather today, again. I know that when you can you will send us a little sunshine from your smile. Until then, my memories will have to be the sunshine. I miss you. I love you. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and all my soul. Time goes on, but time stands still. And I wait. I wait to be with you again- all of us. The 4 Hirschs together again, the way it was meant to be. I wait for a sign from you that you are near and hope you never forget that I am with you always and forever near you. I love you, mom
October 22nd, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I miss you. Today at the gym while I was teaching, I thought of you so much of the time. Everywhere I looked, I saw you and what you brought to the lives of so many children. And I heard the little ones laughing and giggling while we played with the parachute, and I could hear you laughing with them. I saw the joy and happiness on their faces, and I saw your face filled with the love you had for each of them. I heard the excitment in their voices as the asked for "more, more more", and I heard your voice telling them"ok, just once more because your parents are waiting to pick you up!". And I asked "why". I want to be the best teacher I can be. I want to be able to make you proud. I want to be the one a child remembers long after they have grown up and had children of their own. I want to be the teacher you were. I want to make a difference the way you did. I want to teach children what you taught me. I want them to learn to be confident and self assured. I want them to see their successes and be proud of them. I want them to see their mistakes as a chance to learn and grow and change the next time. I want to teach them to respect others and themselves. I want them to learn that life is not a free ride but is a wonderful trip if you are willing to work hard. And I want them to learn that life should come with instructions, but it doesn't so we learn as we go along. I want to show them that they are each deserving of love and that love should be shared. I want them to know that life is what we make of it each day, and time cannot be gotten back. You told us to make every moment count and I want the children to know that the best moments make the best memories. I wish they could have all known you- you should have been the one teaching them all this.
My Jacquie, I love you and I miss you. I will always lovey ou- forever and ever and ever, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. I know you brought the sunshine today, because my heart was feeling so dark and heavy. Thank you, Sweetheart, for giving me a sign that you are with me always. I am always with you, always here for you. Whenever you need me, just visit me in my dreams, I am waiting for you. My heart holds you close, my arms hold you closer. With all my love, your mom
October 18th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, my dear and wonderful daughter- I know we all have days, times in our lives, when it seems as though the sun has gone away and will never shine again. Times when the dreams we were dreaming of and counting on to come true, are a very distant memory. The dreams seem to have forgotten how much we wanted them to come true, so they went away. Times when our hopes for the future are destoyed, with nothing but pain and suffering in it's place. I know everyone has those times, not just us. And I guess that makes it worse for me, knowing that others are going through this and I can't seem to find a way to help. I know that nothing will change what is happening, or has happened to others, but just trying to find a way to say I care, and the words to say I am so sorry, is so hard. I wish there was a book that had words in it that would convey caring thoughts and what is in my heart. It is a struggle sometimes to talk with those going through what we did, and not want to just cry and scream, because I can't say what needs to be said. I look to the sky and ask for your help, but I know that I am one my own. If you could please just try to put the right words in my head so that I can say something, anything, that might take even a little of the pain away- even for just a moment. I know that you never thought you were a good writer and good at putting words down on paper, but My Jacquie, you amazed me all the time with how you could write from your heart. YOU are an amazing writer, so once again I ask for your help and guidence, to find a way to say what needs to be said. My Sweetheart, I miss you. These days are rainy and cold and but heart warms when I think of you- when I see your smile in my memories and hear your laughter. Please remember to stay by my side and let me know you are with me, I love you, and I will remember our wonderful times together forever. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. My heart beats for you and each breath I take is for you. I will wait until we are together again, and then we will never have to be apart. Can you feel my love? Can you feel my touch? Can you feel how much I love you?. I love you, My Daughter, love- mom
October 15th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie," A daughter needs a mother to teach her that friends are one of life's most precious gifts". Today, My Jacquie, you saw that for yourself. Today was your 3rd Annual Clinice For A Cure. Today, over 130 gymnasts and dozens of gymnastic coaches and judges got together to share ideas on teaching and coaching, to help each other's gymnasts get off to a great start on the season, and to raise money for your foundation. This event was born from a little idea our very good friend Larry had 3 years ago. He asked us what we thought about hosting a clinic to benefit the gymnasts and The Jacquie Hirsch For ALL Foundation. He set everything up, and the first one was held at our gym, with about 60 gymnast participating. Today, the number has more than doubled and we raised more than $5000 for your research fund at Roswell. The past 3 years have raised more than $13,000- FOR YOU!!!!! Each and every coach and judge that participates donates all their time and knowledge- for you and the children. They come from near and far to help and you know what a honor that is for you. You know that the gymnastic community can be territorial about their gymnasts and ideas, but none of that mattered today. I BELIEVE that in our area, most of the gyms, the judges and coaches we have here are truly dedicated to doing what is best for the sport and not just themselves. I also BELIEVE that there are few, if any, other areas in the country who do anything like this. Our freinds are amazing and it was beyond humbling to look around the gym today, and see what our friends, and "friends not yet met", were able to achieve. Once again, we will be sending out our thank yous to all the gyms, coaches and judges who gave so much of themselves to make your event a success. And once again, I will find myself knowing that no matter what words are used to say "thank you", they will never be able to express the words in my heart. There are never the right words to thank people for not forgetting you and your life, and for supporting our dream to make your dream come true. Out of all the things I do for your foundation, writing thank yous are the most difficult of all, because I want so badly to be able to tell people how very much their support means to all of us. And the words on the page just never seem to be enough, or the right ones, no matter how hard I try. You should be very proud of what you have done to have so many people want to help your dream happen. I am so proud of you, My Jacquie. I wish you could have been there to help, to share the laughter and joy, to see the smiles of accomplishment when something knew was learned, and see all those excited little girls and young ladies. You would have loved it. I missed you.
My Wonderful Daughter Jacquie, You know I miss you, you know I love you. But what you will not know is how very much, because love for you in my heart you can't see. When we are together again, I will show you, and then you will know. Until then, I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. As cold and rainy as it is right now, the memory of your smile and laughter brings a little bit of sunshine to the darkness in my heart. Please don't leave me on my own, I need you. With all my love, your mom
October 12th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, many times when I am thinking of you, my mind makes up little rhymes. Little words that really don't mean anything to anyone but me. This morning, I woke up and thought some words that sort of go together, so I am wrinting them to you. I hope the silly words make you smile and remember the songs and poems we used to make up and try to make sound really good. We didn't always succeed, but we had so much fun doing it. This not-so-poem poem, is for you, Sweetheart.
Each morning when I wake, I look at the sky.
And ask the same question, I ask myself "why"?
Why aren't you here, where you belong
Why aren't you here, singing your songs.
And dancing your dances, teaching children more
Why aren't you here, doing what you were sent for.
You were sent here from heaven, to share life and love
Then taken too soon, by those up above.
You left us too soon, there wasn't enough time
You had much more to give, much more to shine.
Now I must wait, to be with you again,
And hold you in my arms, the way it had been.
My love for you is endless, it won't ever die
When were are together again, we'll never say goodbye.
My Jacquie, I know it's not geat, but it came from my heart for you. The minutes tick by, life goes on, we do what we have to do. But your chair is still empty and even after all this time, the thought that you will not call me to talk and laugh, or go shopping or out to eat with me ever again, brings fresh pain and saddness. I miss you My Daughter. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. On the sunniest of days, the sun no longer shines as bright because you are not here with us. But you will live on in my dreams and my heart, forever. Love, your mom
October 9th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, there is no escaping it, there is no way to make it go away, there is no way that I can pretend it doesn't matter to me. Another wedding is coming up this weekend. Laura's wedding is Saturday, and I am very happy for them. I wish them a lifetime of happiness, good health and love. I wish them laughter and millions of memories. But I wish I was able to wish it for you, too. Every wedding that comes along, is a reminder that you will never have one. And I know that weddings will continue to be a part of our lives, and I want them to be because it is a part of life. And I want people to be happy with the one they love. I just can't help but remember all the times we talked and you dreamed of your wedding "someday". And remembering makes me sad and makes me angry. I still had things to keep teaching you. "A daughter needs a mom to teach her that even true love requires compromise. A daughter needs a mom to tell her what she should expect from a good man. A daughter needs a mom to prepare her for becoming a wife. A daughter needs a mom to show her how to raise a family.' All these things and more were things I should have been able to teach you so when you got married you would be better prepared to share the rest of your life with the love of your life. We never had the chance, did we, My Jacquie. I miss you so much. I miss what was taken from you. I miss your dreams left unfulfilled. I miss you.
My Sweet Daughter Jacquie, you are missed not just by me but by so many others who love you. I looked for you today, I needed some sign, even a small one, to let me know you were still with me. You didn't come to me, so I am still waiting. I will wait as long as I need to, because it has been a while and I am really really needing you. Days are getting harder and the expectations are becoming more difficult to deal with. I think of you all the time, especially when I am close to giving up. I think of your courage and strength in facing the days when you were fighting so hard for your life. How each morning you still got out of bed, and faced the uncertainty of what new problems the day would bring. I wish I had that courage and strength, I wish I had the nerve to face each day the way you did. But all I want to do is stay in bed and pretend. I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. I will love you with all my heart and all my soul. I look for you in all I do and I hope you are with me even if you can't give me a sign that you are. Please, Jacquie, don't leave me, I can't do this without you. I love you. Love, mom
October 6th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, too sad to think, to sad to write. Missing you too much to deal with all the issues around me.
My Jacquie, I miss you and love you more than you will ever know because there will never be enough words to tell you how much. I love you with all my heart and soul and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that. I love you, mom
October 3rd, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I was reading a book the other day and came across these words:
"There are certain losses, certain voids that can never be filled with anything other than that which left the void in the first place." I thought about the words and what they meant and realized that there are no truer words when it comes to losing you. So many words have been written and spoken to your day, TJ and me, most meant to convey condolences, reassurance, sympathy and love. And most have managed to do just that. Even reading the posts on your website and hearing from someone from your high school days, the words tell us you have not been forgotten. But those words don't fill the void, the hole that has been left since you were taken from us. It is true, that void will never be filled because yuou willnot be returning to us here. And although the words do not fill the void, I don't know what I would do without them. The words written and spoken to us are my lifeline to staying sane, to being able to face each day without you. Every single morning I have to ask you for the strength to get out of bed, to face the day with dignity and courage the way you taught us. And nevery single day you don't let me down. True, somedays I don't get up to face the day until the day is partly over, but I do get up. And you are there beside me. But your family and friends are beside me too. I know that no matter how sad I am, or how much pain I am in, there is SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, who understands. And although I have tried to not bother people during my difficult days and times, I do get comfort in knowing that someone would be there for me if I asked. It has been 1122 days. I miss you and I am so sorry.
My Sweet Girl, I love you. I miss you and I hurt without you. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. I will love you with all my heart and soul and all that I am. To you I make this promise- I will keep trying to do my best to make you proud and to make your dream come true. Your dream is now my dream and it is all that is left for me to do for you. I couldn't keep you here, I couldn't make you better, but I can try to make your dream come true for you. I love you, My Jacquie, love- mom
September 30th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, What if? Lately, those two words seem to define my life. So many "what ifs" with no answers. What if you had never been taken from us? What would our lives be like now? What if things were different at the gym?
Would it change the way I feel about it? What if time could have stood still, to a better and happier time for all of us? What if? I guess it doesn't really accomplish anything to think of what could have been, but it is so hard not to. As days get more difficult and the changes keep happening, I can't help but wonder why it had to be this way, and how different it should have been. What if we had made different decisions for you? Would it have made a difference in your life? What if we had gone somewhere else for treatment, would you still be here? What if I had done things differently when trying to help with your care. What if? I think because the changes in our lives are becoming so hard to deal with, I can't help but wonder if there is any way to make the outcomes of these changes easier to accept. Or, am I destined to spend the rest of my life asking "why" and "what if". I miss you and I am so sorry. I wish that I had been able to predict the future, maybe I would have stood a chance in changing it. I see your friends and how they are living their dreams and wonder why I am not watching you live yours. I am so very sorry.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you so much. I will love you forever and ever and always. I will love you with all my heart and soul. I will love you until the end of time, and longer than that. Each breath I take, I take for you, each time my heart beats it beats for you. I dreamed of you last night and I never wanted to wake up. You were alive and filled with life and laughter. And you were in my arms where you belong. And then you were gone and I was alone again. I will wait for you to visit me again, in my dreams where you are happy and pain free. I will wait until we are together again, and then you will be in my arms for real. I love you, My Jacquie. Love, mom
September 28th, 2011 - Dear Sweetheart, a sad day today. A sad and painful reminder of 4 years ago today when were heard those awful words. I can't believe it has been 4 years- it seems as though the words are so fresh in my mind. I can hear the doctor's voice and the difficulty he had in telling us you had leukemia. I can see the anguish in his eyes as he had to look at you and tell you how sick you were. I remember so clearly the disbelief we felt and how I yelled at him that it wasn't funny and he should not say things like that. And I remember how my heart broke when I realized he was telling us the truth, and he couldn't take those horrible words back. No matter how much I begged him to tell me he was wrong, he couldn't. I am so sorry Jacquie. I live that moment over and over, so many times a day, and the voice will not go away, and the words never change. To this day, I still pray that I am in some kind of coma, and I will wake up from this and you will still be here with us. I know that probably won't happen, but I need to hope. Fall is here and winter will be here before we know it. And then, I will want to just stay here at home all the time, hibernate like a bear, so I can be with you always. I am waiting. And I am so very sorry. So very sorry.
My Sweet Sweet Baby Girl, "life" has gone on but part of it has ended. I miss you so much and I love you. We have events coming up for you- the Clinic For A Cure, Dancers Give Back and The Perfect Gift's Vera Bradly Party. But you won't be here. And I wish more than anything, you would be here to celebrate your life with us. Never doubt for even a second that I wouldn't give my life to trade places with you. I would do anything for you, I would die for you. I love you My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that. I love you with all my heart and all my soul. I love you with all I am and all I will ever be. Please please find a way to let me know you are near. I am so lonely without you. Love, your mom
September 24th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, as always, I am thinking of you tonight. I am remembering and wishing and questioning and mourning. I miss you. I wrote you a little poem. I am not a poet but some words came into my head and I thought I would share them with you. I can hear you laughing already, but just to reassure you, I will not try to sing them to you, we know my singing is lousy and I don't want o make you laugh too hard! So, here it is:
I looked up in the sky today, and said a little prayer
I said how much I miss you, and wish I were with you there.
I miss you more than ever, and can't believe you're gone
I want to go to heaven, I want to bring you home.
Our lives are sad without you, sorrow fills our hearts
I have so much to say to you, I don't know where to start.
I want you to know our table, still has an empty chair
No one can ever replace you, a life like yours is rare.
Your laughter, smile and love for life, brought joy to all you met
Your courage, strength and optimism- what an example for us you set.
We learned so much from you, My Jacquie, more than you'll ever know.
But what we haven't learned at all, is why you had to go.
Fo now our lives are ever changed, now that you're an Angel above
But what will never ever change, is our never-ending love.
You'll always be Our Jacquie, our daughter and our friend
Our love for you will grow much stronger, our love for you won't end.
So as you look down upon us, from heaven up above
Know that you are our own Angel, a gift for us to love.
My Sweetheart Jacquie, I do so miss you, so very much. I am trying to do better, but still some days I just want to stay in bed and cry. I listen to your voice in my head and want to hear it from you. I see your smile in my mind, and I want to see you smiling in front of me. I remember how soft and smooth your skin felt to my touch, and I want to feel it again. I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. You are my sunrise in the morning and the sunset at night. I know you are the brightest star shinning in the night sky for us to see. You make the rainbows after the rain to bring color into our dark lives. We love so much. Watch over us and stay with us, don't make us be without you. Love, mom
September 21st, 2011 - Dear Sweet Jacquie, it is good to be home. I missed being here. We have been busy at the gym, staffing as usual, is a nightmare. I miss you, I wish you were here with us.You had so much presence at the gym, and so much knowledge. The way you interacted with the children was incredible. I can't help but be angry and sad that you were only able to touch the lives of so few children in your time here- there are so many more that you should have been able to teach. Parents still talk about you and the impact you had on their children. As we prepare our gymnasts for the upcoming season, I know that you would have been an amazing asset to us. There will never be anyone quite like you to teach our little ones. And it's so not fair. I know- "Life isn't fair", I 've heard that until I want to scream, but it doesn't change anything. Not a day goes by that I don't drive to the gym, dreading the emptiness that will be wainting for me. I wish you were there. I wish you were here. I miss you.
The "Light The Night" Buffalo is coming up in 3 days. A lot of your friends will be walking with us for you. I hope you will be proud of us. It is not a foundation event or a fundraiser for you, but it is an event that name and memory of Jacquie Hirsch wll be seen and heard. Remember, I promised you that I will do everything I can possibly do to make sure you are not forgotten. So whenever we have the chance- we will be where we need to, in order to have YOU remembered. I WILL keep my promise to you, and never let this world forget you.
My Jacquie, I miss you so much, even though it has been 1110 days. Your smile and laughter are missed by so many. Your life remembered by so many. I have been waiting for you to visit me, it has been a while and I need to see you. Please try to come to me and let me know you are near. Let me know you miss me too. I can keep moving forward, but I need to know you are with me. I still need your strength and courage each day, because I am a coward. I miss you and I love you. I will love your forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. I will love you with each breath I take and every beat of my heart. I love you when the sun comes up in the morning, and even more by the time the moon comes out at night. You are my rainbow and my sunshine, and I love you. Love,mom
September 18th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, It has been a while since I have written to you, but I have been talking to you all the time. Thank you, again, for keeping us safe on our trip and bringing us home safely yesterday. You knew that I was worried- I hate to fly and I hate to be away from home. As much as I wanted to see "your Paris", I didn't want to leave here. The trip was wonderful, however, and David and Elizabeth were the most incredible host and hostess. They showed us the Paris you saw when you were there your junior year in college, and they showed us all the beautiful places you saw. We had the chance to see Paris through your eyes and that made it all the more special for us. Your dad, TJ and I will be forever grateful to Dave and Elizabeth for giving us the opportunity to fulfill one of your wishes for us. The letter you left for Sandy to share with us if you were unable to fight the leukemia anymore, told us of your wishes for us. Seeing "your Paris" was one we didn't know if we would be able to do. Dave and Elizabeth made that possible for us. You told us of your adventures in Paris, all the things you saw and experienced, but being there let us share those memories with you. The hardest part was that you really weren't "there", no matter what anyone tells us. You weren't there for me to shop with and buy things for, or to be in our pictures that we took, or eat all the delicious foods and desserts that you so much enjoyed. The trip was for you, I so wish you could have been with us. I miss you.
My Sweet Daughter Jacquie, as much as I enjoyed the trip, I am very glad to be home where I belong- with you. I can't explain why, but this is where I need to be. Others may pass judgement on me and the way I live my life now, but it's not for them to say what is right or wrong for me. I am with you always, but never more than when I am home. I miss you and I love you- time has not changed that. I still hear your laugh and see you smile, and I feel your soft skin beneath my fingertips when I would hold you tight. I am who I am now, and that has to be ok for those around me. I feel lonely and lost even more now that TJ has moved out, so I will do what I have to do to get through each day. I am supposed to be a mom, but now my children don't need a mom anymore and I don't know who to be. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. I love you with each beat of my heart and every breath I take. You live inside me, and my heart will always be your home. I love you, My Jacquie, mom
September 6th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, there are no words, just terrible pain and sorrow. Today, year 3, day 1095. How can it be? Today we begin our 4th year without you. Today, Jess and her children, family and friends begin their first day without Fudd. He died last night, but like you, he was not alone. His family and friends were at his side to say goodbye. Also like you, he died a hero. He fought for four years, hard and courageously. You two had little time together, but you shared so much in your fights against ALL. Your being taken from us changed our lives forever. Now, Jess and the family will also be changed forever. I had the honor to be able to go down to Roswell yesterday to say goodbye to Fudd. He held my hand tight and we talked for a short time. He was very tired and on a Morphine pump to control the pain, but he was alert. He thanked me for what the Foundation has done for him and his family. It made me cry harder because all I could think of was that we weren't able to do enough. I promised him we would continue to help them out and to please not worry. And just before I said goodbye, he pulled me close and whispered that he would give you a hug for us. My heart broke. He was saying his goodbyes to those he love, and yet he knew how much that would mean to us. He, like you Jacquie, is an incredible human being and the world is a much better place because he was here for 32 years. The world will miss him, just as the world misses you. Please take care of each other, share your smile with him and your laughter.
For your dad, TJ and I, we will spend part of the day doing what we need to do for ourselves to survive this horrible anniversary. For me, your room is where I want to be. I am very sure that I could spend the rest of my life there and be just fine. Your dad will take his motorcycle on a ride down to the Letchworth State Park where you and he used to ride. He will ride around and remember the fun and "wild" times you share- a father and his daughter. I am not sure exacatly what TJ has planned, but I think he will go over to work on his house, and he will think of what should have been. He will have memories of your wonderful lives together and he will wonder why you and he aren't making more memories as you and he get his house ready to live in. We all have our own ways to make it through the day, but in the evening we will be together- dad,TJ, you and me. Just the way it always will be. We will have something to eat and then we will have our memories. Many, many of your family and friends have texted, called, or emailed us today to let us know they are thinking of us, missing you, and remembering your life. Sue sent the most beautiful bouquet of red roses to you, and Ashley stopped by with a vivid yellow mum plant for us to put in your garden. It will look incredible as you look down on it from heaven. Danielle, Angela, Marianne, and Kerri brought you a wonderful mixed bouquet of flowers that are cheerful and full of hope. There are purple flowers, your color, and I am sure you can smell all your flowers up in heaven. You haven't been forgotten, My Jacquie. When I was at Roswell yesterday, it hurt. It is so hard to be there with all the memories of what you went through and the last time you walked through those doors. The last time we said goodbye to you there. But with all the hurt and pain, there was some joy. So many people came up to me and said "Aren't you Jacquie's mom?" They said how they still remember and think about you and tell others about you. People speak of you with respect and awe, and say how amazing you were and still are. So many of them have your bracelet on. You live on, My Jacquie, your life meant so much to so many, and YOU made others happy. YOU are truly a hero. But we miss you.
My Sweet Daughter Jacqueline Elisabeth, I can't put into words how much I miss you or love you. There is no way to measure it. I do know that someday when we are all together again, I will show you how much. You are our hero and you are our light in the darkness. We love you and we will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all our hearts and souls. You make us whole, you are always in our thoughts and in everything we do. WE ARE 4, now and forever. Love, mom
September 3rd, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, today I was in the store and I was looking for a card for TJ. I wanted to find a card to tell him how much I love him and how proud I am of him. While I was looking, a card fell out of the slot above the one I had taken out to read. I reached for it to put it back and something made me look at it and then read it. Once again, I know YOU stopped me from replacing it without reading it. YOU wanted me to see it and to read the very special words in it. YOU sent those words to me, to my heart. I want anyone who still reads these posts to know what you had to tell me.
What if the brillant twinkling stars
that bring the dark night sky to life
are windows looking out of heaven?
And at the very monment
when we're wishing
on those stars,
hoping that the loved ones
we have lost are happy,
safe, and free...
maybe they are looking
at those same stars
from the other side,
making the same wish for us.....
sending us all their love.
I'm wishing you
the comfort of loving memories
and the feeling
that you'll always
be connected to one so close
to your heart. by Sharon Valleau
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you. On this day, 3 days away from the nightmare that was when you were taken from us, I am thankful you sent this to me. I have asked you to let me know you miss us and love us, and I BELIEVE you sent this so I would know that you do. I BELIEVE you made the card fall so I would read the words you wish me to hear you say, to all of us. I know you understand how desparate I am to have you stay near me and give me strength. Somehow you managed to find a way to give me what I needed so badly. EVERY day, I miss you and I am so sad and angry that you are not here where you belong. If you can stay by me, However, I can find a way to get up in the morning and do what I have to do, until I can go to bed at night. Thank you, Sweetheart. You are so amazing. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. I will love you with all my heart and soul, with each breath I take and every beat of my heart. You live within me, and you are my light. I love you,Jacquie, love- mom
August 31, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, this morning I was sad when I woke up, as always, as "normal". Whe the mail came, the school district newsletter was in with the bills and I was going to throw it out. I don't ever read it, we don't have any children in school and I guess I just don't take the time to see what is going on in the schools anymore. But as I held it over the garbage can, something made me stop before I tossed it. I actually sat down to look through it. The first part was boring- budgets and money issues. Then came the part that showed what activities the children in different grades had done that was newsworthy. I was ready to toss it again, but then I looked on the last pages and something caught my eye. It was a picture of very young students singing a song at a concert of some sort, and it has some of the words printed below the picture. The caption said the song was was called "For Good", from the musical "wicked". I read the words and I cried. And I realized that YOU were the reason I didn't throw it out. You are the one who brought the words to me. YOU are who the song is describing. These are the words it had printed:
"I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I BELIEVE that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you..."
It is so true. And not just for me, but so many, many other people who had the joy and honor to know you. You make others want to be better people, to be more than they thought they could be, achieve more than they dreamed possible and to BELIEVE in who they are. I am a better person because of all you taught me, all I learned from you and yes, even all I watched you go through while you were sick. That short time, 11 1/2 months, taught me more about life than the whole time I have been on this earth. YOU, Jacquie. A daughter teaching a mother, when it is usually the other way around. You continue to teach me every minute of every day, because I miss you every minute of every day. And you teach me how to more on from one minute to the next, without giving up or giving in to my fears, my sorrow and my guilt. So, once again I find myself thanking you for choosing me to be your mom.
My Darling, l miss you and I love you. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that. I will love you with all my heart and all my soul. I will love you with every breath I take and every beat of my heart. I will wait to be with you and hold you in my arms again. I love you, mom
August 28, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I missed you today. I always miss you. Today we went to TJ's new house to clean, paint, line drawers and cupboards and to try to get his house ready for him to move in. I missed you. You should have been there with us. You would have wanted to be there, to help TJ and share his new home with him. You would have made him laugh, and given him advice on what colors to paint which rooms. You would have told him where you thought his furniture should go, when he gets some, and I am sure you would have gone with him to pick out his frig and oven, because those are two important items needed to make snacks and meals with! You would have spilled paint on your clothes and ruined at least one item of clothing- and you and TJ would have laughed about it. We would have alll stopped for a quick pizza break and you and TJ would have decided that you were too full from eating and needed a nap. We would have have a wonderful day together. But you were missing. So the laughter was less, the smiles dimmer and the day was not as it should have bee. I miss you, Jacquie.
Three years ago today, we were struggling with your graft vs host issues, and praying, no BEGGING, for you to be able to come off the ventilator. Today, we are struggling without you. And still, after all theses day (1088), we ask why. And still, we have no answer. But I can't stop asking because the pain, and sorrow and anger are always with me. And you are not here.
My Sweet Jacqueline Elisabeth, I miss you and I love you. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that. I will love you with all my heart and soul, and all that I am. I am your mom and you are my daughter. No one, and nothing will ver change that. Come to me, stay with me and keep me moving forward- for you and for your dream. I love you, mom
August 25, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, many times when I write to you, I have something to say, something I want to share with you. That is not the case today. Today, I don't know what to say. I feel so sad, so very sad and lost. I feel as though everything keeps going wrong, just when I think maybe things are getting "better". I miss you so much and I know your "anniversary" is only 12 days away. Three years. It will be three years since you were taken from us. And in all that time, the pain has not gone away. Sometimes it isn't as strong, but it is always there, in my heart, and in my life. You taught me many things in your life, but you never taught how I was supposed to live without you. You never taught me how to live with the pain and the saddness. You never taught me how to find my way in a world that you would no longer share with us. With so many things going wrong, how do I find "right"?
My Sweet, Sweet Daughter, I miss you. I miss you so much. I haven't seen you or heard from you in a long time, and I need to. I need to hear you and listen to your laugh. I need to see you and watch you smiling. I need to know you are still with us and you miss us too. I am waiting. I will wait as long as I have to, you know that. But if you could find a way to let me know you are with me, that would really help me a lot. I am so lonely without you. Please come to me. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. I will love you with every beat of my heart and every breath I take. The sun, the stars, the wind and the rainbows are all for you. I am always here for you, I will never leave you and I with be with you again someday. Love, mom
August 22, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, today is day1080. And like the 1079 that have gone before, this day was filled with saddness for what should have been and missing you. Yesterday, TJ closed on his first house. You should have been there with him at the bank when he put that last signature on his mortgage. He is so proud and so excited. I know he is also very sad that you are not here to share this with him. He has worked so hard to achieve this goal, but I know it would mean mcuh, much more to him if you were here to be part of this. I am very happy for him, I knew this day would come, as it should. I think TJ has stayed home longer than he would have if you were still here with us. I think he knows how hard it will be to have the house so empty. But, when you are a parent, you raise your children to become strong, independent adults. You teach them to be able to "leave the nest" and be on their own. You hope everything you have taught them will give them what they need to survive and succeed in this world. But as a mom, it's hard to let go. Part of me wishes you and TJ would stay with us forever. The house will be so empty and sad now. You always told me that you would live with us until you got married, that you didn't feel the need to waste money on an apartment just to be on your own. We even joked that maybe you and your husband would live with us for a while, remember? You told me you would need to practice more to be a good wife and housekeeper and if you lived here longer it would give you more time to practice. Oh Jacquie, how could you not be here anymore? How can the house not have you or TJ living here anymore? TJ will do just fine. It is his time to fly. Please watch over him for me, and keep him healthy and safe. Maybe you could find a way to let him know you are with him, and that you are proud of him. He misses you so much.
My Jacquie, today I was shown a website that is specially for parents who have lost a child. It has stories on it written by parents about their child who was taken from them too soon. There is a link parents can go to write their own story. I can't right now. I don't want you to be another number, another statistic. I want people to know YOU! Jacquie Hirsch. I don't want people to forget who YOU are. So, at least for now, I will not be joining this new group for "parents like us". We are not the same, we are all different. For us, you are special and every parent knows their own child is special. You are our Jacquie, our daughter, our sister, our family, our friend. For now, we will share you in our own way.
I miss you, My Jacquie and I love you. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that with all my heart and soul. Today when the sun was shinning, I KNEW you made it shine for us. I KNEW you understood. And you know that I am waiting to be with you again. I am waiting to hear you laugh, to see you smile, to touch your cheek and to hold you tight in my arms. Soon, Jacquie, soon. Love, your mom
August 18, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I thought you might like to know that I haave finished doing the final numbers on the 2011 Tinker Ball. Oh honey, you will be so very proud of all of us. All your family, your friends and many strangers came together this year and raised $28,800.00!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you BELIEVE it? WOW. We are so excited. We are so honored that YOU, Jacquie Hirsch, has managed to do this incredible thing for your foundation. Because, I know that it was you who gave people the extra push to buy tickets and come to the BAll, to donate for our baskets and silent auction, to be a part of a wonderful and special evening. It was YOU who helped us to make it an evening to remember for all who attended. It was YOU who made it all happen. We did the work but YOU were the magic behind it all. I hope you are very happy and that you are proud of us. WE could not have done it without your help. Thank you, thank you thank you for not leaving us to fail.
My Sweet Girl, you are missed every minute of every day, but more so when there are special times that you should be sharing with us. You should be here celebrating the Ball's success and taking your bows. You should be here. I miss you and I love you with all my heart and soul. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that. You are truly the most special of daughters and for me, a gift that can never be explained. I may never know why you were given to me, but I do know that I will never let you go. Love, mom
August 15, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I hope you were with me yesterday at Julie's wedding. It was a beautiful wedding, she looked like a princess. The sun was shinning and the day was filled with love and hope and promise. And I cried. I cried because I was so honored to have been included in Julie and Tim's very special day. Her whole family has been such a wonderful part of my life for so long and it meanat so much to me to have been included in the celebration. I cried because, once again, I had to wonder why you would never have a wedding day. As the ceremony was going on, my thoughts drifted to what your wedding would have been like. I wondered how we would ever come up with a list to include all the people you would want to share your special day with. What would you wear? What month would you choose? What colors would surround you? Who would stand up with you? I know your four cousins would, but who else? How big would your bridal party have to be to include everyone? And who would be your husband? The questions kept running through my mind at a furious pace, and when I could no longer hold them in, the tears fell for you and what would never be. I said a prayer for the newlyweds, praying that their lives would be filled with love, and happiness, and the strength to get through whatever life has in store for them. I didn't stay for the reception, that is something I still am not ready to deal with. And I don't know when I will be. What I do know is, that your wedding would have been a fairy tale wedding. All the things we talked about and the ideas you shared with me about what you might like your wedding to be, we would have made happen. You had so many thoughts and ideas and they changed a lot, but one thing I know for sure, you would have looked so very beautiful and happy and filled with love and the promise of a new life with your husband. I am so sorry you never had the chance. I am so sorry I couldn't make that happen for you. I am so sorry.
My Jacqueline Elisabeth, I miss you and I love you. Youar garden is still blooming with color and looking at it reminds me how your life was filled with color. You are always in my thoughts and my heart. I can hear your voice in my mind and I am waiting to hear it next to me. I love you, and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. You are the sun that shines, the rainbow in the sky. I miss you, My Daughter. I love you, mom
August 13, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I just need you to know how very much I missed you again today. Today, yesterday, always. I can't seem to do much that doesn't bring me a memory of you, you and me, you and TJ, you and your dad, or the 4 of us all together. I am afraid that someday I will be old and senile and not have the ability to remember those memories. I try not to think about it, but sometimes my mind drifts to the future- the future that will still come without you. I need you to know that even if someday I can't remember our memories in my mind, my heart will never forget them. My heart will never forget our lives together and the wonderful, incredible times we shared. And my heart will always dream of the time when we are all together again. So someday when I can't even remember my own name, my heart will know the 4 of us.
Sue, thank you for the poem, it is beautiful and I will try to remember it when I am feeling sad and angry.
My Sweet Daughter, I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that with all my heart and soul. The rain has been falling and so are my tears. Bring us some sunshine and I will know it is you smiling down on us. I love you, your mom
August 10, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I spent most of last night thinking and remembering our time at Hope Lodge. I guess it was on my mind so much because we recieved the invitation to go to the dedication ceremony at Hope Lodge in NYC in September. In the spring, we were sent a request for a donation for a large fundraising project they were having. They were planning to sell "ground rocks" and "leaves" for a tree to be built in the main lounge called "The Tree Of Hope". People were being asked to purchase a rock or a gold, silver or bronze leaf for a certain amount of money. We would also be able to write an inscription to be on wahtever we purchased. There were only 10 rocks, 25 gold, 75 silver and 100 bronze leaves available. As much as we would have loved to get a rock for you, the $10,000 was a little much for the foundation's bank account with all the other donations were are doing. But we did purchase a bronze leaf for you. In Sept, the tree with all the rocks, leaves and inscriptions will be unveiled and dedicated. We would give just about anything to be able to be there, but we will be with you in n"your Paris". So your dad and I talked about seeing if one or two of your friends who live down that way would be willing to go in our place. I really want you to be represented that day, you will be so proud of your leaf. And for the rest of forever, anyone who goes there to be helped the way you were, will see your name and inscription on the tree and they will know how special you are. Hopefully, knowing that you have a leaf on the treee will also make them see what a truly remarkable place Hope Lodge is, and how much it meant to you, to all of us, to have a place like that available while you were so far away from home. I know I have said it before and I will say it again- what would we have done, My Jacquie, without Hope Lodge. So, Sweetheart, you will be leaving your mark, once again, in New York City. The name Jacquie Hirsch will continue to mean love, support, hope and Belief for all who are fighting for their lives and the family and friends who are fighting with them.
My Jacquie, thank you for helping with Hope, so far the news is good and we BELIEVE that it will continue to be. Please keep a watch over Fudd. The news for him this week was not at all good, and he needs our prayers. He has been fighting so very long and like you, his body is getting tired. Maybe you could give him some of your strength, instead of to me that I so selfishly ask for. So many more people dealing with cancer need your help and I shouldn't be asking for it for me, but for all those who really need it. I wish I could be with you, I miss you so much. I wish I could hear you laugh at blond jokes and watch you eat sugar waffles. I wish we could go to the fair and spend the whole time eating foods that aren't good for us. I wish............. I love you, Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that with all my heart and soul. You are who I am and each breath I take is for you. I love you, love mom
August 6, 2011 - Dearest Jacquie, I don't know how you did it, but you did it!! All week, the weather forecasters said rain on Saturday. But it didn't! It was cloudy when we got to the gym at 6am to set up, and even stayed cloudy for the beginning part of the morning. Then all of a sudden, it cleared up. The sky was bright with sunshine and only a few white flluffy clouds. The registration was slow to start with, and we were concerned that many of the car owners would keep their cars home because they didn't want them to be rained on. But as the morning progressed and the sun came out, so did the cars. And we registered more cars than last year!!!! You were amazing, just amazing. The whole day went so well- basket sales and 50/50 raffle sales were up from last year. And even better- we had more spectators just come to see the cars and walk around this year. It was so great to have so many people learning about you- learning who the beautiful young woman on the banner is. They had a chance to learn about your life, your fight to live and your hopes and dreams. They learned that your hopes and dreams did not die with you. They learned about all the family and friends who come together at your events to make sure that your hopes and dreams will come true. They learned that your life in 23 years has impacted more lives that most people will in their whole lifetime. They learned that the lives of your family and friends are made more specail for having had you in them. They learned that Jacquie Hirsch will always be missed, loved and remembered.
My Jacquie, thank you for helping us out today. Thank you for finding a way to make room in the sky for sunshine among the clouds. Thank you for being with me today, holding my hand, keeping me strong and wiping my tears. I love you, My Daughter, and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. I am waiting to be with you again. Love, mom
August 3, 2011 - Dear Sweetheart, it has been 3 days since the Tinker Ball and I think we are all still on a little bit of a high. The Ball went so well and we are already thinking of ways to make it better for next year. In addition to working on closing up the BAll, we are in high speed to get things ready for the Cruise Against Cancer this Saturday. The weather report is calling for rain. That would be a terrible thing because car owners do not bring their cars out in the rain, as you well know. So if it rains, not only do we have to cancel the Cruise, but the expenses that we already paid for would be lost. The worst part of it would be that we wouldn't be able to make another check presentation to Roswell for your Research project. So, My Sweet Angel, if there is anything you can do to help us out, that would be great. However, if it rains, oh well. It's not as if we won't do it again next year. I hope you know how hard dad and TJ have been working to get some really special cars into the show this year. TJ especially, is very excited about some of the people he has contacted and who have said they will bring their cars to showcase in the showroom. I think if the rain holds off, we will have a very successful day for you to be proud of. Once again, I will say how blessed you are to have the most incredible family and friends who give up so much of their energy and time for you, with you and in memory of you. Your life is honored and celebrated in the lives of so many people each and every day. You are amazing, My Sweet Girl.
On a difficult note, please keep Hope safe. She is too little to have to deal with what may be ahead for her. Waiting for test results is hard for us,, and we know how much harder it is for her family. If you can only help us with one miracle, please make Hope be ok, and it can rain forever. Give Hope some more of your love, she has given you so much of hers. Watch over her and keep her safe. I BELIEVE in you and know you will do whatever you can for her.
My Daughter, My Jacquie, time continues to move forward, but most of my life stands still. I live in the time "before Jacquie was diagnosed, and spend so much time re-living what was. Being around your cousins and your friends constantly reminds me of what was taken from you. And although I try not to let it hurt me, it does. I spend a lot of time crying by myself so that people don't see how hard it is to watch others move on without you. I miss you, My Jacquie and I love you. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that. I love you with all my heart and soul, with each breath I take and every beat of my heart. I will wait until we are all together again, but until then stay with me by my side. Be my sunshine, my rainbows, and my butterflies. Be My Jacquie always. Love, your mom
July 31, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, The date may not mean anything to anyone else, but it does to me. Because I remember what we were doing and where we were 3 years ago today. An more importantly, I know you remember even more than I do. We were at Roswell, celebrating your 3rd "birthday". It was the day that was supposed to be the beginning of your new life for the third time in your lifetime- your second bone marrow transplant. I am so sorry, My Jacquie, that it didn't work. I am so sorry that it couldn't have been me and not you, that was taken away. I am so sorry that all my love couldn't save you. All of us, couldn't save you. I am so sorry. Today we should have been eating and celebrating with you. Today, we should have been laughing and joking and making plans with you. And yet, we are not. And I am so sorry.
My Sweet Sweet Daughter, I miss you and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. I will alway love you with all my heart, all my soul, all that I am and all that I ever will be. I see you in the sunshine and in the raindrops, in the moonbeams and the rainbows. I see you, but I cannot. I love you, My Jacquie. Love, your mom
July 30, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, My Dear Sweet Jacquie. Once again, you have managed to do what others only dream of. YOU were able to captivate a huge room filled with people without physically being there. YOU were the Honored Guest who was present in every conversation, every smile, every laugh and even, every tear. YOU shined like the stars in the sky and brought colors to the room that would shame the most magnificent rainbow in the sky. YOU told the story of your life without any words. YOU shared your hopes and dreams without singing a song. YOU showed every person at your Tinker Ball the meaning of life, after yours was taken from you. YOU gave the words courage and strength a new meaning to those who let fear rule their life. YOU!!. Your Ball was incredible, but you know that because you were there next to me, every minute of every hour. I do BELIEVE that with all my heart. I BELIEVE that because if you hadn't been next to me, I would not have been able to endure the night. The part of my heart that is empty and broken without you, felt you there, trying to mend it and fill that hole. I saw you in your family and friends smiles and laughter. I saw you there watching everyone enjoy your favorite foods. I heard you singing along with your friends as they danced and sang to the songs you love. I felt you next to me as the speakers talked about you and your amazing but too sort life. And mostly, I witnessed a change in the people who never had the honor of meeting you. People who came into the Ball not knowing, really, who Jacquie Hirsch was, and left feeling as though they had known you forever. The respect in their eyes, the tone of their voices as they talked about you, let me know that their lives WILL be changed because they came to your Tinker Ball. I truly don't BELIEVE that anyone who attended your very special evening, could leave there and not BELIEVE in you and your dream. And so, My Jacquie, thank you. Thank you for going to the BAll with yur dad, TJ and me. Because without you, it would not have been the success it was. YOU made it possible. YOU made it happen.
Sweetheart, I miss you and I miss you more each day. Because each day without you is a day that is filled with sorrow. But, I will keep moving forward, with your dad, TJ and all your family and friends, until we make your dream come true. And I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. You are me, and I am you. I will always be here for you and someday we WILL be together again- The 4 Hirschs. With love forever, your mom
July 27, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, tonight your dad and I had a very strange talk with Demi and her mom. It seems they went down to Lillydale and you made and appearance for Demi. I am not too sure what to think about everything they told us and what they had to say about your "visit". Part of me is afarid to BELIEVE that you were there with Demi and part of me wants to BELIEVE that if I go there you would come to me too. But, if you didn't I don't know what I would do. Demi said you are happy. I want to feel that is true- I want you to be happy and safe and pain free. Maybe you would come to me and tell me that you are. After the Ball and Cruise Against Cancer are over, and I have a weekend day free, I think I will make an appointment to go there and try to have you "visit" me. I am not sure what I BELIEVE anymore, but if there is any chance at all that I can talk with you again, I will do whatever I have to do to make that happen.
My Daughter, I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. You are my sunshine and my rainbows, the light on my darkest days. I miss you and I love you. Love, your mom
July 24, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, It's finally Saturday. The summer is flying by and it seems as though there is not enough time to get everything done. Today I will spend getting the totes ready for the Tinker Ball. There is so much to remember to take, I wish you were here to help me get organized. I remember getting you ready to go off to college each year. We made lists and lists and more lists and then had fun checking things off as we go each item done. As much as I hate to shop, you love to shop and I so very much enjoyed when you and I, and many times even with TJ, would go out "shooping for school clothes". I'm not sure how I was lucky enough to still have children yours and TJ's ages who would let their mom enter a mall with them- but oh how I loved it. Of course, we always had to go to lunch then, too. I wondered if when you were a teacher if we would still go shopping together. And we did. Remember the fall you started your student teaching in Rochester and we went shopping, not only for your "school clothes", but I had the privilege and honor of taking you "teaching clothes shopping". It was fun to see the difference being in front of a classroon made in your choice of what to buy. you looked so grown up and professional in your classroom outfits. We were so proud of you, we always will be. Watching you teach was a heart-bursting pleasure, and a memory I will treasure forever. Now, I have no one to get ready for school or teaching. I don't have you to help me get the Ball organized and laugh with when when I do stupid things. I miss you. I miss you, so much.
Sweetheart, I know you are always "with me", but I will never stop asking you to try to find a way to let me know you are near me. Sometimes I feel you and I wish I would have that feeling all the time. Sometimes I feet very empty and unable to feel life. I miss you and as time goes on, I wonder if you will keep staying with me or if you will move on without me. Please don't. Don't leave me here without you. I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that. I love you with all my heart and soul, with every breath I take and every beat of my heart. And I will try to get the Ball things packed and organized without you, but oh how I wish you you here with me. I love you, My Jacquie- love your mom forever
July 21, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I don't know how you have managed it. Maybe you sprinkled some Tinker Bell fairy dust down from heaven. Whatever you did- it worked. We have passed our number of tickets sold from last year's Tinker Ball, and are only 2 tickets away from the number we sold for your first Ball. We have only a small number of tickets left befor we have a SOLD OUT 2011 Tinker Ball!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow, isn't that great. For YOU people are coming to your event. For YOU people are going to help us raise more funding for Dr. Wang and Dr. Nowak's research. For YOU people are going to try very hard to make your dream come true. For YOU we will find a cure for cancer, for YOU and everyone who has ever heard those most awful words. For YOU we will make sure that someday no one will ever have to hear those words again. For YOU.
My Jacquie, some days are worse than others, I know you know that. Today, seeing all those tickets requests some in, I felt better because I saw that many people still care, still remember, and still BELIEVE. Thank you for making that possible. Thank you for helping us move closer to you dream. Thank you for being My Daughter, My Jacquie. I miss you and I love you. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. I love you with each beat of my heart and every breath I take. I love you the sun, the moon, the stars and all the rainbows in the sky. I love you, My Jacquie and I am so, so sorry. I will spend the rest of my life trying to let you know how sorry I am. Love, your mom
July 17, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I miss you so much. I really, really miss you and I am so very sorry. You must know how much I love you and that I would give my life to have you back again. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be. Life now is missing you. You are always on my mind and forever in my heart. I love you, My Jacquie. Love mom
July 14, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, Day 1041. Yes , my head still counts, my heart still knows how long it has been. Time goes on. Life continues and we still mourn. We always will. Every event we do, every donation we make to another family, every new diagnosis we hear about has us re-living our nightmare over and over and over again. Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that I hate life, that life is too unfair and that the time ahead of us that we haave to live without you will continue to be unbearable. I can't wake up from this nightmare and the more we do for you, the more we work to make your dream come true, the more I resent that we have to do this without you. Jacquie, you can't poosibly even begin to know the impact you have made on this world. You are a "celebrity". Larry told me his boys think you are the most famous person they know. As stressed as each event we do for you makes me, the events also remind me of how many people know and love Jacquie Hirsch. People tell me stories of how someone finds out they know Jacquie and realize there is a connection somewhere. Everyone at Roswell knows "The Tinker Bell Girl". The Tinker Ball tickets sales are going better and I BELIEVE we are going to sell as many tickets as last year- Yea!!!!!! I was worried we would not do like, like the Ride For Roswell, but I think we will be ok. Thank you for your help, Sweetheart, I know you had a hand in making this work.
You know, My Jacquie, that I miss you and I love you. I love you more and more each day and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that. I love you with all my heart and soul and with everything that I am. When I tell you those words you must BELIEVE them with all your heart. You must remember to never leave me and to try to come to visit me. You have to know that I need you with me always and that I can't do it alone. I try, I really do, but I need your strength and courage every minute of every day. Without it, I don't think I could go on. So stay by my side, whisper to me, let me feel your touch. I am waiting for you. With all my love, you mom
July 10, 2011 - Dear Sweetheart, I don't remember how old I was when I first heard the expression "the gift of life", but I do know that at that time, I didn't realize what those words truly meant. When you became sick, and we were told you would need a bone marrow transplant, then- the words became real. We were counting on someone, somewhere, anywhere in the world to give you the gift of life. To keep you alive. To keep you with us where you belong. And ther was someone out ther. We don't know who she or he is, or where he or she came from. What we do know is that someone decided at some point that the gift of life was something they wanted to give. So this person became a member of the bone marrow registry. We, you and your foundation, have held of supported 7 bone maorrow registry drives since you were diaganosed. And although records are "confidential, we know of about 20 people, because of YOU and because the BELIEVE, who have been donors. These very special and very lucky people have been able to give someone else a chance at a new life. In a couple days, Joe will become a donor. I am so envious of him. I would love to be able to be a donor, to be able to give someone more time with family and friends. I would love to be able to give a sick person, a chance to be well and live a "normal" life. A chance to grow up and grow old, a chance to graduate, have a jo, get married, have babies and grandbabies. A chance to make wishes and hopes and dreams come true. I would love to give someone the chance a stranger gave to you. And even though you did not live to see your hopes and wishes and dreams come true, that stranger gave us a few more months with you. A little more time that we would have had. And for that, we will all be forever grateful to you donor. I hope that anyone who is reading this and not on the bone marrow registry will get in touch with me and I will let you know how to go about it. Please, it is so important. You never know when you or someone you love may be in need of "the gift of life". To Joe, we are so proud of you, and honored that Jacquiewas part of your decision to become a donor. I am sure that Tommy is honored as well. Two donors from one family- WOW. You are so lucky. Thank you on behalf of all of us.
Jacquie, My Sweet Daughter, you have sone so much since you were taken from us. You have a foundation in your name that honors you and your life. It stands for all you BELIEVE in- your hopes and dreams. Through you, many have found the courage and strength to endure what in un-endurable . You have provided so many people with funds to help them through the financial difficulties that cancer brings. You have brought smiles to so many who now have Tinker Bell as their role model. You have done amazing. And, yet, I still wish you were here doing amazing. I miss you, My Jacquie. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. You are my sunshine and my rainbows. I am waiting for you and to be with you. Stay with me, help me, and show me your courage so that I may be the person that your mother should be. Love, your mom
July 6, 2011 - Dearest Jacquie, I've been thinking about time a lot lately. How fast of slow it goes, depending on what I'm thinking about. How sometimes it stands still and there is no way to move out of the moment, no matter how much I want to. How we let moments go by, forgetting that we will never get them back. And mostly, I think about my time here now, without you. I think about you so much that sometimes at the end of the day, I have to try to remember if I accomplished anything. I know you know this, but I want you never to forget that you are part of everything I do. I see you everywhere and the memories are never ending. I know people would be surprised to hear that there are very few things that happen to me in my day that doesn't have a memory of you I can relate to it. Lately, planning for the Tinker Ball has been especially hard because of this. The Ride For Roswell failure is ever present in my mind, and remembering the promise I made to you to find a way to make your dream come true, reminds me that I have to work harder. Time is getting closer to the Ball and still there is much to do and tickets to be sold. Time has moved too quickly, although we have all been working hard on this since last year's Ball. If time could just stand still for a while so I could get caught up on the Foundation things and the Ball and the gym, maybe I would feel better. But time doesn't stand still, it moves forward and leaves behind unfinished business. And unfinished lives. Your absence is felt everywhere and there are times when I cannot bear to think of doing something or going somewhere because you are not with me. When I think of how fast times goes by, it makes me sorry that I did not do better for you- yesterday or last year or ever, because I can never get that time back again. So I will try to do better the next time, and not let that opportunity to make the most of my time be wasted. No matter how many minutes, hours, days, weeks, or years go by, time for me stopped when you were taken from us. All that is left now is moving from one day to the next.
My Seet Jacquie, summer is here and your garden is growing beautifully. I hope you are watching is from heaven. Please try to come to me and let me know you are near. It has been a while since you have visited me in my dreams and I am waiting to see you. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. My heart is yours. I love you, mom
July 2, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, Day 1029, week 147 and millions and millions of breaths and heartbeats. And still I ask "WHY". Not a week goes by that we don't hear of another person being diagnosed with some form of cancer. This disease shows no mercy for age- it attacks without conscience and takes what it wants, leaving heartbreak and devestation behind. I know we didn't do well at the Ride, but as the Tinker Ball gets closer. I worry that that, too, will not succeed. It is a constant worry for me that we will disappoint you, you know that because I say it all the time. But I don't know how to make more people aware of what we are trying to do and to make them see that we can't do it alone. So if you have any new ideas for me, as always, I am here for you- waiting to hear from you.
The 4th of July is in 2 days, and again I will be thinking of and remembering your last one here with us. We were so excited that the Doctors at Roswell had agreed to let you come home for a few days before preparing you for your second bomo transplant. You spent the 4th with friends and had such a great time. You came home, reassuring me that you were "fine" and that you had taken all your pills and had plenty of water to drink. You also let me feel your forehead, which you didn't like me to do normally, so that you could prove to me that you weren't running a fever. How I wish I could touch you again, feel your skin under my fingers and reassure myself that you were "fine". What I wouldn't give to be sending you off on Monday, to watch the fireworks with your friends again. WHY can't I?
My Sweet Daughter, minutes and hours tick by, days and weeks pass. but time has no meaning to the empitiness in my heart. I miss you and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. You are my daughter now, and you always will be. I have 2 incredible, wonderful children and my heart is your home. And you will always be with me. Love, your mom
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