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November Updates
On Saturday September 6th at 8:30pm, Jacquie became completely free of cancer and pain. Her long and courageous battle will be cherished in the hearts of all her Believers. Through her fight, we all learned the important life lessons Jacquie had so bravely taught us. We will continue to honor her through this website and through her foundation where events and fundraisers will help other patients and families.
November 18th 2008 - "A daughter needs a mom to show her the comfort of a warm embrace." Early this morning I woke up, it was still dark out. I had not slept well during the night and I thought I might read for a while. And then, as usual, I started thinking of Jacquie, and as usual, the tears fell. But then, suddenly, I felt warm, and as though I didn't need to be crying, because Jacquie was with me, and giving me a hug. I haven't ever felt that way before and it was kind of a scary feeling, but oh, so very welcome and needed. So many times while Jax was sick, she would say to me "mom, will you kiss my head" or "mom, will you give me a hug," and I realized how comforting that was to her, so she must have been trying to comfort me this morning. I hope that she knows how much I really really need to still feel her presence.. When I hug her "Jacquie Bear" I can still feel Jax holding the bear and me hugging them both. I can still see Jax holding the bear every night when she went to bed. And even though I sleep with her bear every night, last night was the first time they both hugged me back. I wish I could stay in bed forever and keep embracing them both. I know I can't, there are things Jax would want me to do. If I knew how to get in touch with Lindsay's mom, that would be one thing I would do for Jax. She would want me to send a card to tell her that Lindsay is with her now and they are both ok. And she would want me to give her a hug, even if only through the card. Jax, I would give anything in this world to have you hug me again. Please don't leave me alone down here without you. I love you forever and always my daughter Jacquie. love mom
November 15th 2008 - The weather looks like my heart feels. I'm sure you are all getting tired of my counting, so I won't. But it's a Saturday, and I can't escape what it means. Yesterday I was at Office Max, waiting my turn in line. I was there to have some flyers run off for Jacquie's upcoming Vera Bradley party. And as I stood in line and re-read the flyer, I started to cry. Yes, again, the tears fell without my permission and I wondered to myself, when people look at me, (or Torey, or TJ, or any of us who are missing Jax) do they see our grief? Do they see that our lives have been forever changed, altered in a way that they can never be fixed back to the way they were? I wondered if people see the hole in my heart when they look at me, because when I look in the mirror, I see it. I see that I don't look the same anymore, neither do Torey or TJ, or our family and friends. I see that a little light has gone out of our lives, and that place will always be dark. I know our lives won't be dark, but the part of us that Jacquie filled will be. And then I started to look at the people in line with me. And I thought they all looked "normal", as if there lives weren't missing any light. But, I'm sure there were some there who were missing a light in their life. Was is possible that we can only see our own losses, or do our own losses blind us to what others around are suffering. Or, because we have no choice and we must "continue on living", do we learn to present "normal" when we are expected to. I don't know. I do know that these past 11 months have brought us many deaths, not just Jacquie's. And although the others might not have left the hole that Jacquie's death did for us, they still changed our lives to some extent. And now, we know what grief these other families have gone through, and are continuing to go through. When Jacquie's little buddy from Roswell, Jamie, died, Jacquie was devastated. And one of her first thoughts was for her family and how it was affecting Jamie's mom and dad and siblings. She wondered how they would ever get past the tragedy. She worried what she would say to them, and how she could help them. She wondered how they would act and look after losing a child. I had no answers at first, because I was busy praying and believing I would never have to find out those answers firsthand. Then I remembered- "A daughter needs a mom to listen closely to what troubles her." So I tried to help her as best I could, to find some answers. As we talked, I wondered if Jax was also thinking about what would happen if she died and how we would handle it. I wondered if it was her way of helping me to prepare for the possibility that her transplant might not go the way we believed it would. Oddly enough, I can't remember now, what I said to her. Whatever I said wouldn't have the same meaning now. I do hope that at the time, it gave Jacquie some peace of mind and some hope. My Jacquie, everyday I miss you more, as I realize that you are not coming home to us. And I need for you to never ever forget how much we all love you and are doing our best to honor your memory and be better people. It will be very hard to go into The Perfect Gift without you next to me, and excited to find the next new Vera purchase. But you will always be next to me, holding my hand and helping me through my days, I know you will because now I need you. I love you forever and always. mom
November 12th 2008 - Another day. The sun is out but it's cold. I hope Jax is warm, she's like me- we hate the cold weather because we never seem to be able to warm up enough. I've had a hard time these last few days, harder than usual. I think it is because of the death of the young woman from Orchard Park, who died at Geneso over the weekend. For those not familiar with the story, she was hit by a semi truck on a street in Geneseo, near the college. Her name is Lindsay Matthews, and she was 19 years old. The accident happened a week ago today, and she was in critical condition since then. When I heard about it, all I could think of was "Oh please, don't take another young life away from her family". I prayed so hard that she would survive, and I tried to "believe" in her and her strength to live. But, I guess that, just like Jax, her body had suffered too much hurt. And now, another family, more friends, schools, and a community, are left to deal with another loss and the question "why". The news of her death made Jacquie's death seem like it was happening all over again. When they showed the pictures from the accident scene, there, in the middle of the road, was what looked like a Vera Bradley bag. And I cried. I cried for Jacquie and all of us left behind, and I cried for Lindsay, her mom and dad, her family, friends and her friends "not yet met". And I cried for her un-fulfilled dreams, wishes and hopes. And I cried for all the injustice of it all. The pictures of Lindsay show a beautiful young woman with smile that probably could light up a room. And interveiws with her coaches, principal, and others, told of an outgoing, caring, and energetic scholar-athlete, who should never have been taken from life so soon. She sounds like someone Jax would have loved to know and be friends with. I hope they are friends now. So, if everyone would please say a prayer for her family, because we all really do know what they are going through, and we know that there is nothing we can say or do to make the pain less for them. I wish I could help her mom, but I don't know how to do that. If I could, I would just give her a hug and tell her I care and I'm so very, very sorry. To those of you who are "strangers", people who we have never met, and have never met Jacquie, but you write on the guest book, please don't ever apologize for doing so. Please don't ever think you are intruding. Your messages let us know that Jax touched more than the lives of people she knew. Your messages tell us that her life made a difference to you, and although you were never blessed to know her, you learned something important about life from her. What an honor is it for us to know you would take the time to share you thoughts and feelings with us. Thank you.
"A daughter needs a mom who believes it is okay to see things differently." Jax and I didn't always agree on things, but oh how I loved listening to her present her case about an issue. When she was young, her views were usually based on what she and her friends thought and did. Being a "mom", there was little I could do or say that was as important as what "the girls" thought or did. Then one day, I realized that Jax had changed. She was now thinking independently of her friends. She still cared about what they thought and how they react to different situations, But, she wasn't afraid to be different, and she was confidnt in defending her beliefs. That was when she started to talk to me about what I thought and felt about what was going on in her life. She would actually ask for my advice or opinion, not that she would always take it, but she at least asked. What a wonderful feeling that was, to be included in so many parts of her life. I realized then, that I was blessed to have a wonderful relationship with my daughter, and that many moms don't have that. I would always tell her thank you for sharing with me, and thank you not closing me out of your "grown-up" life. We would talk about so many different things and she would make me feel in awe of her sometimes, when I would listen to her as she spoke from her heart. I miss her. I miss our talks, I miss our discussions, I miss our differences of opinion, and I miss our finding middle ground on issues. I miss listening to her "grown-up" out look on life. I miss you, Jacquie. I will love you forever and always, mom
November 7th 2008 -Two months and one day. I couldn't write yesterday. Somehow, all these "anniversaries" keep coming whether I want them to or not. It's hard to believe that it's only been two months, seems like forever. Yesterday, I told myself, well, you made it these past two months, you can keep doing it. Today, I'm back to wondering if I can keep doing it. Many of you write that you think I am strong and you talk about my courage. Well- I'm not strong and I don't have any courage left. I am still afraid and scared and desperately missing Jacquie. I wish I could be what you think I am, but I can't. I am disappointed in myself and I keep trying but each day ends the same way it started- with an empty hole in my heart. I try to remind myself that Jacquie is better now, and I want her to be. The way she suffered and struggled for life was a horrible thing to watch her go through. And as much as I miss her, I would never be selfish enough to want her to still be here "living" that way. But I am selfish enough to still be asking "why Jacquie". And I'm hurting enough to wish that all of us "believing" would have made her better. So, the tears continue to fall. On the days when I'm able to read the guest book, some of the tears are good tears. I cry for those of you who loved her and miss her too. I cry for all the wonderful "Jacquie stories" you share with us, and I cry for the wonderful friends and family that are letting us know what Jacquie meant to them. I still have all Jacquie's things packed, just as they were that awful night two months and one day ago, and in her closet. I keep wondering when I should unpack and go through her things. I know I will have to eventually, but for now, everything is ready, just as is always was in case we needed and emergency trip back to 'Roswell. I think I don't want to unpack it because then I'll know that I won't ever need it again. "A daughter needs a mom to help her interpret the language of boys." I don't know how much help I was to Jax in this area, at least some I hope. We talked about boys a lot and she shared many wonderful thoughts and special times with me about the boys and men in her life. I want them ALL to know that I am grateful to them for being such good friends. I think Jax was blessed to have had so many caring, considerate and fun guys to grow up with. So many of them continue to stay in touch with us and offer support, which is so very much appreciated. Torey and I feel that Jacquie must have been very special indeed, to have had such wonderful boys and men in her life. To the parents of these men, thank you for raising gentlemen for Jacquie to share her life with. You should be proud of your sons. To my Jacquie, I'm trying to do what you would want me to do and be the person you would want me to be, but some days it is so hard. Please be patient with me and try to understand that living without you is a never-ending pain that I can't overcome right now. But for you, I will keep trying. I will love you Jacquie, forever and always, Love mom.
November 3rd 2008 - Saturday November 1st- 8 weeks or 56 days, it doesn't matter what time frame I use, it's still the same. Months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, or seconds, the numbers remind me how long it has been. On Saturday, Section 6 Gymnastics honored Jacquie's memory at their sectional meet at Lancaster High School. Each team nominated one of their gymnasts to be awarded the "Jacquie Hirsch "Tink" Award. click here to read what was written and read prior to the presentations. It was incredible, once again, to know that so many people remember her love for life and her spirit. Each time Jacquie is honored and kind words are spoken about her life and her fight for life, I hope that the people listening learn from her and try to live their lives being the best they can be. It is always a very emotional time when we are at these ceremonies and Jax is remembered, because I would wish for her to be there with us, hearing what is said, and seeing the respect and admiration people have for her and her fight against leukemia. I'm sure she is watching everything from heaven, but to have her next to me again- what I wouldn't give for that to be possible. I was looking through cards this weekend, and came across one my mom sent to me when Jacquie was at Sloan Kettering for the first transplant. I thought it would be nice for all the moms and someday-to-be-moms to read and keep in their hearts. Thank you mom, for teaching me how to be the kind of mom Jacquie would need.
The love between a mother and a daughter, is a bond of the strongest kind.
It is a love of the present, interwoven with memories of the past and dreams of the future.
It is strengthened by overcoming obstacles and facing fears and challenges together.
It is having pride in each other and knowing that our love can withstand anything.
It is sacrifice and tears, laughter and hugs.
It is understanding, patience, and believing in each other.
It is wanting only the best for each other and wanting to help anytime there is a need.
It is respect, a hug, and unexpected kindness.
It is making time to be together and knowing just what to do and say.
It is and unconditional forever kind of love.
This, my Jacquie, is why a mom needs a daughter. I love you Jacquie, forever and always, and I will still always be here for you. Love, mom
The love between a mother and a daughter, is a bond of the strongest kind.
It is a love of the present, interwoven with memories of the past and dreams of the future.
It is strengthened by overcoming obstacles and facing fears and challenges together.
It is having pride in each other and knowing that our love can withstand anything.
It is sacrifice and tears, laughter and hugs.
It is understanding, patience, and believing in each other.
It is wanting only the best for each other and wanting to help anytime there is a need.
It is respect, a hug, and unexpected kindness.
It is making time to be together and knowing just what to do and say.
It is and unconditional forever kind of love.
This, my Jacquie, is why a mom needs a daughter. I love you Jacquie, forever and always, and I will still always be here for you. Love, mom
